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Old 04-09-2002, 05:34 PM  
Bob Dole Bob Dole is offline
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Another Bob Dole NFBT Rant

You were warned.

Bob Dole realizes there are some devoutly religious individuals here on the Planet, and actually reads most of the religion-based threads without participating. Bob Dole freely admits to having some serious doubts about the usefullness of organized religion, but openly respects everyone's personal beliefs.

Given that preface, here's the latest event from the Neighborhood from Hell.

As you probably know, Bob Dole's entire lawn equipment inventory performed an assisted disappearing act from the garage last fall. As you probably guessed, Bob Dole has not been eager to rush out and buy new lawn equipment, fearing that it will meet the same end. Thusly, Bob Dole's "lawn" ain't been touched since last fall--except for the motocross track Reliant Energy so thoughtfully built in the side yard.

Other useful background: Bob Dole lives across the street from a large Baptist church. Last Spring, a week after Bob Dole moved in, one of the neighbors (who happens to be a member of the Baptist church across the street) came over and asked Bob Dole if he could do something with his "lawn" because the church was trying to make the neighborhood look nice. Bob Dole, who has historically taken pride in the lawn's appearance, was embarassed that a neighbor came to ask, and promptly fixed the problem lawn, and improved it with flowers and such over the course of the Spring/Summer. At the time of the equipment theft, Bob Dole's lawn looked better than the complaining neighbor's, and he actually had the nerve to stop by as Bob Dole was sweating his fat white ass off one Saturday afternoon and tell Bob Dole as much.

So Bob Dole is sitting here about 15 minutes ago and the Chihuahua Alert System goes haywire and Bob Dole looks out to see some unknown 60-something male walking up the walk. Bob Dole turns down the top volume Hoobastank and answers the door accompanied by 14 total pounds of fury and steps out on the porch with Bud in hand.

"How are you?" inquires the old coot.

"Other than trapped in a house with furious Chihuahuas, pretty well," replies Bob Dole. (Bob Dole takes a pull on the bottle...)

Old guy: "Good...good. Has anyone mention that we has a prospective new minister coming in to visit this weekend?"

Sensing what is about to transpire, suddenly less-pleasant Bob Dole replies, "Why would they? I don't attend that church."

Old fart: "Uh-hum. Well, we have a prospective new minister coming in to visit..."

Rude Bob Dole interrupts, "I gathered that much. Thanks."

Raisin: "Well...um...er...well... We're trying to make sure the neighborhood looks really good and were wondering whether you could do anything with your yard."

Bob-I-Knew-It-Dole: "No, I can't."

Prune Eater: blank stare

Bob-Increasingly-Disgusted-Dole: "Someone was kind enough to steal all my lawn equipment last Fall and I have not yet replaced it. I have been talking to a guy about buying his used Toro, and if he actually shows up with it before the weekend, you can rest assured I'll use it. If he doesn't, I don't really have any way to take care of it. I don't like looking at this shit either, if you want to know the truth, but I'm hesitant to go out and spend $500 on new lawn equipment so the dirtbags can break into the garage and steal it again."

Already-Paid-for-My-Burial-Plot-Man: "Ummm. Hmmmm. Well..."

Bob Dole: "You know, I noticed you had the church lawn done today. If it was really a big concern, you could have had them come over here and chop down my weed patch. Or you can send them back to do it tomorrow if you want. You know...in the spirit of 'Christian Charity' and all..."

Why-Did-I-Get-Elected-to-this-Shit-Guy: blank stare

Bob Dole: (Resisting the urge to point out that the guy does the blank stare thing quite a bit and might want to see his physician about it.) Well, if you guys want to do that, or if the guy shows up with the used mower before Friday and it actually works, I'll sure have it looking spiffy for you. I'm not going to go buy new equipment, nor am I going to pay anyone to come mow it, so I guess it's your choice."

At which point Bob Dole turned around and walked back in to Chihuahua Haven.

Bob Dole supposes the question is: Was Bob Dole out of line? And if you've got enough sack to go ring someone's doorbell to bitch about their yard, and you're really a compassionate, caring person living the Christain lifestyle, wouldn't you feel obligated to offer some sort of solution (other than scissors) when informed that some shitbag stole all the lawn equipment? Hell, Bob Dole doesn't go to church and has mowed a neighbor's yard more than once when they couldn't/wouldn't.

Bob Dole probably isn't going to mow the thing if the guy shows up with the mower in 15 minutes. It's the principle.

Last edited by Bob Dole; 04-09-2002 at 05:38 PM..
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Old 05-03-2003, 07:04 PM   #106
Skip Towne Skip Towne is offline
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I love the goat idea. I used to have an Angora goat ranch and had 300 nannies. (I put colorful ribbons on the pretty ones) Goats clip off the grass rather than pull it up like sheep. Don't like the concrete/tire idea though. Just drive a 6' length of re-bar into the ground and chain the goat to it. Move goat as needed.
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Old 05-03-2003, 07:39 PM   #107
PastorMikH PastorMikH is offline
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I must admit, that is rather funny.


Personally Bob, from the church perspective, I do believe I'd have taken a different approach on the matter. Several options come to mind -

Option #1 - one of which you had to mention TOO him () is to show up with mowers, weed-eaters and such, ring the doorbell and say, "Hello Sir, since it is early spring and many people haven't gotten the opportunity to get their yard equipment going yet, so we are going around to homes in the neigborhood this week fixing up their yards for them if they would like. Yours looks like it would take these fine men about 30 minutes to knock out all you gotta say is go fo it.

Option #2 - Who cares about your yard, when we are showing the new preacher around the church, if he points out your house tell him that that guy is a decent enough guy. His house might be agood place for the minister to visit.

Option #3 - (as a minister) I show up with the deacons (similar to #1 above) they mow the yard while we sit on the porch and supervise the work while we chat about the Planet and such.


I don't really see anything wrong with your perspective. Basically what that church has done is told you and every other neigbor that you aren't up to their standards when they critique like that. I have a hard time with folks like that. It is sorry that they had to act that way.
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Old 05-03-2003, 07:45 PM   #108
Bob Dole Bob Dole is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by pastormikh
I must admit, that is rather funny.
Please don't get the impression that Bob Dole is somehow "against" the church because of the incident. Bob Dole just thought it was a little odd, and would have expected something more along the line of the options you outlined.

Bob Dole ain't there any more and the new lawn takes about 30 minutes, front and back. Bob Dole has been mowing twice a week for about 8 weeks now, and spent two days removing overgrown brush and crap that had accumulated over the years. The neighbor to the south mowed their front yard (not the back) for only the second time this season early this morning. Everything is relative, and Bob Dole's lawn is looking pretty darned good at this point. Heck, the neighbor to the north already commented a couple of weeks ago that Bob Dole is making everyone look lazy by tending the lawn so frequently.

Ahhh... The single life.
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Old 05-03-2003, 07:49 PM   #109
PastorMikH PastorMikH is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Robert_Dole

Please don't get the impression that Bob Dole is somehow "against" the church because of the incident.

Don't worry Bob. I'd probably acted the same way you did - except for the part where you were nursing your bottle while talking to him.
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Old 05-03-2003, 07:51 PM   #110
Bob Dole Bob Dole is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by pastormikh
Don't worry Bob. I'd probably acted the same way you did - except for the part where you were nursing your bottle while talking to him.
If Bob Dole isn't at work, Bob Dole is almost always nursing one thing or another.
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Old 05-03-2003, 07:54 PM   #111
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Quote:
Originally posted by Robert_Dole
If Bob Dole isn't at work, Bob Dole is almost always nursing one thing or another.
Yeah, me too. Come to think of it. I've been thinking of having an ice-cold refreshing 7-up for awhile now. Think I'm about to make good on the threat. Of course, I'll have to make sure to put a decent amount of Seagram's 7 in as well.
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Old 05-03-2003, 07:55 PM   #112
2bikemike 2bikemike is offline
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What a crackup. I am with the pastor on this. They were out of line. Keep us posted on their decision to take care of your lawn. You just might be on to something. If they are so concerned about your yard you can sit on your ass all summer and let them handle it.
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Old 05-03-2003, 10:10 PM   #113
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You tell a good story Bob Dole. You should've ask the elderly gentelman if he would have the congragation pray for an answer to your lawn crisis. Better yet you coulda had him kneel with you on the porch (with bud in your hand) and pray for an answer.

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Old 05-03-2003, 10:19 PM   #114
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Quote:
Originally posted by philfree
you coulda had him neal with you on the porch (with bud in your hand) and pray for an answer.
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Old 05-03-2003, 10:27 PM   #115
RJ RJ is offline
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Bob Dole's tale would make a fine scene for a Cohen Brothers movie.

I'm picturing a severely disheveled Nicholas Cage in the role of Bob Dole.
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Old 05-03-2003, 10:28 PM   #116
ENDelt260 ENDelt260 is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by rjintx
Bob Dole's tale would make a fine scene for a Cohen Brothers movie.

I'm picturing a severely disheveled Nicholas Cage in the role of Bob Dole.
Maybe we could compile all the Dole rants and send them to the Cohen Bros. I bet they could write a plot around them.
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Old 05-03-2003, 10:31 PM   #117
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Quote:
Originally posted by pastormikh



Don't worry Bob. I'd probably acted the same way you did - except for the part where you were nursing your bottle while talking to him.
That is the part I agree with.....But knowing you, you did that to aggitate them further. But son, time to buy a lawn mower and whatever you need, or get a goat. That should really get them if it was tied up out front eating the grass....
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Old 05-03-2003, 10:34 PM   #118
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give the neighbor kid a few bucks,
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Old 05-03-2003, 10:38 PM   #119
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Quote:
Originally posted by ENDelt260


Maybe we could compile all the Dole rants and send them to the Cohen Bros. I bet they could write a plot around them.

It'd be practically gift wrapped. All they'd have to do is supply an ending.

I'd like a sort of surreal ending. I'm thinking Bob Dole walking off into a Kansas prairie at sunset while the Pastor is offing prairie dogs in the background. "Funny How Time Slips Away" is the soundtrack music.
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Old 05-04-2003, 12:52 AM   #120
brad2707 brad2707 is offline
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Bob
I'm think a big sign in the front yard, like used lawn equipt. wanted or will work for food to...better get busy the preacher will be there in a few hours..lol
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