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Old 04-09-2002, 05:34 PM  
Bob Dole Bob Dole is offline
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Another Bob Dole NFBT Rant

You were warned.

Bob Dole realizes there are some devoutly religious individuals here on the Planet, and actually reads most of the religion-based threads without participating. Bob Dole freely admits to having some serious doubts about the usefullness of organized religion, but openly respects everyone's personal beliefs.

Given that preface, here's the latest event from the Neighborhood from Hell.

As you probably know, Bob Dole's entire lawn equipment inventory performed an assisted disappearing act from the garage last fall. As you probably guessed, Bob Dole has not been eager to rush out and buy new lawn equipment, fearing that it will meet the same end. Thusly, Bob Dole's "lawn" ain't been touched since last fall--except for the motocross track Reliant Energy so thoughtfully built in the side yard.

Other useful background: Bob Dole lives across the street from a large Baptist church. Last Spring, a week after Bob Dole moved in, one of the neighbors (who happens to be a member of the Baptist church across the street) came over and asked Bob Dole if he could do something with his "lawn" because the church was trying to make the neighborhood look nice. Bob Dole, who has historically taken pride in the lawn's appearance, was embarassed that a neighbor came to ask, and promptly fixed the problem lawn, and improved it with flowers and such over the course of the Spring/Summer. At the time of the equipment theft, Bob Dole's lawn looked better than the complaining neighbor's, and he actually had the nerve to stop by as Bob Dole was sweating his fat white ass off one Saturday afternoon and tell Bob Dole as much.

So Bob Dole is sitting here about 15 minutes ago and the Chihuahua Alert System goes haywire and Bob Dole looks out to see some unknown 60-something male walking up the walk. Bob Dole turns down the top volume Hoobastank and answers the door accompanied by 14 total pounds of fury and steps out on the porch with Bud in hand.

"How are you?" inquires the old coot.

"Other than trapped in a house with furious Chihuahuas, pretty well," replies Bob Dole. (Bob Dole takes a pull on the bottle...)

Old guy: "Good...good. Has anyone mention that we has a prospective new minister coming in to visit this weekend?"

Sensing what is about to transpire, suddenly less-pleasant Bob Dole replies, "Why would they? I don't attend that church."

Old fart: "Uh-hum. Well, we have a prospective new minister coming in to visit..."

Rude Bob Dole interrupts, "I gathered that much. Thanks."

Raisin: "Well...um...er...well... We're trying to make sure the neighborhood looks really good and were wondering whether you could do anything with your yard."

Bob-I-Knew-It-Dole: "No, I can't."

Prune Eater: blank stare

Bob-Increasingly-Disgusted-Dole: "Someone was kind enough to steal all my lawn equipment last Fall and I have not yet replaced it. I have been talking to a guy about buying his used Toro, and if he actually shows up with it before the weekend, you can rest assured I'll use it. If he doesn't, I don't really have any way to take care of it. I don't like looking at this shit either, if you want to know the truth, but I'm hesitant to go out and spend $500 on new lawn equipment so the dirtbags can break into the garage and steal it again."

Already-Paid-for-My-Burial-Plot-Man: "Ummm. Hmmmm. Well..."

Bob Dole: "You know, I noticed you had the church lawn done today. If it was really a big concern, you could have had them come over here and chop down my weed patch. Or you can send them back to do it tomorrow if you want. You know...in the spirit of 'Christian Charity' and all..."

Why-Did-I-Get-Elected-to-this-Shit-Guy: blank stare

Bob Dole: (Resisting the urge to point out that the guy does the blank stare thing quite a bit and might want to see his physician about it.) Well, if you guys want to do that, or if the guy shows up with the used mower before Friday and it actually works, I'll sure have it looking spiffy for you. I'm not going to go buy new equipment, nor am I going to pay anyone to come mow it, so I guess it's your choice."

At which point Bob Dole turned around and walked back in to Chihuahua Haven.

Bob Dole supposes the question is: Was Bob Dole out of line? And if you've got enough sack to go ring someone's doorbell to bitch about their yard, and you're really a compassionate, caring person living the Christain lifestyle, wouldn't you feel obligated to offer some sort of solution (other than scissors) when informed that some shitbag stole all the lawn equipment? Hell, Bob Dole doesn't go to church and has mowed a neighbor's yard more than once when they couldn't/wouldn't.

Bob Dole probably isn't going to mow the thing if the guy shows up with the mower in 15 minutes. It's the principle.

Last edited by Bob Dole; 04-09-2002 at 05:38 PM..
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Old 04-10-2002, 11:03 AM   #76
BIG_DADDY BIG_DADDY is offline
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BTW, what on gods earth made Bob Dole choose a Chihuahua?
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Old 04-10-2002, 11:05 AM   #77
e_train69 e_train69 is offline
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What is a Chihuahua?
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Old 04-10-2002, 11:08 AM   #78
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Yo quiero el rato...

Quote:
Originally posted by e_train69
What is a Chihuahua?

“Rat on a stick” without the stick.

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Old 04-10-2002, 11:12 AM   #79
e_train69 e_train69 is offline
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Oh

I pictured Dole as more of a German Shephard type guy.
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Old 04-10-2002, 11:14 AM   #80
Bob Dole Bob Dole is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by PennyWise
The shrill barks, followed by a stern, thunderous shout of disapproval from Bob Dole.

That has got to be worse than the yard and louder than Hoovastank.
You're the only one here that has had the pleasure of witnessing the event firsthand. All the rest can only imagine...
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Old 04-10-2002, 11:18 AM   #81
headsnap headsnap is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by e_train69
What is a Chihuahua?
yo quiero taco bell!
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Old 04-10-2002, 11:20 AM   #82
King_Chief_Fan King_Chief_Fan is offline
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I would have expressed disgust that someone stole your stuff.
Then I would have offered to let YOU use my stuff, all year long if you like....as long as you return it.
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Old 04-10-2002, 11:22 AM   #83
Bob Dole Bob Dole is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by BIG_DADDY
BTW, what on gods earth made Bob Dole choose a Chihuahua?
After the ex took off with Bob Dole's Rottie, Bob Dole wanted something a little more portable.

How could you not love that face?
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Old 04-10-2002, 11:58 AM   #84
seclark seclark is offline
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are you sure that thing's not a hamster?
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Old 04-10-2002, 12:10 PM   #85
ptlyon ptlyon is online now
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Thanks for a good laugh Bob. Good post.

Oh yeah, BTW - fug 'em.
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Old 04-10-2002, 12:18 PM   #86
Lightning Rod Lightning Rod is offline
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Any chance you can hire a very old decrepit man with a walker to act like he is trying to mow the yard when the prospective holy man comes to town. You could even have him stage having a stoke.

Or
Perhaps you could make your yard very tidy but plant some flowers in some sort of satanic design right in the middle.


Oh the possibilities.
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Old 04-10-2002, 12:41 PM   #87
Chief Faithful Chief Faithful is offline
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Maybe you can make a big cross out of beer bottles as a welcome.

I like the idea of a goat as a lawn mower.
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Old 04-10-2002, 01:27 PM   #88
Lightning Rod Lightning Rod is offline
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Of course as has been pointed out. If ya had a real dog you might not have lost all your lawn equipment in the first place.
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Old 04-10-2002, 01:36 PM   #89
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quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by e_train69
What is a Chihuahua?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Snack food for a great dane!
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Old 04-10-2002, 01:59 PM   #90
Pennywise Pennywise is offline
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for little dog bashers...

Taco
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