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Old 04-18-2013, 12:33 PM  
jAZ jAZ is offline
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The Most Deranged Sorority Girl Email You Will Ever Read

As one of the commentors said: a sorority-girl Ari Gold.

NSFW words, language. Hidden for the your safety.

http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-d...will-ever-read
Here's the full email (with the author's name changed):

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough ****ing ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been ****ING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so ****ing AWKWARD and so ****ing BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to ****ing find you on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying ****, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying ****, about how much you ****ing love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the ****ing year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I ****ing repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that's not ****ing possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE ****ING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE ****ING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE ****ING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people ****ing retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE **** WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a **** if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do ****ing NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID ****ING ASS HATS, IT ****ING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW ****ING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN ****ING UP AT SOBER ****ING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being ****ing WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not ****ing funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. ****ing. Team. ARE YOU ****ING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU ****ING BLIND? Or are you just so ****ing dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE ****ING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR ****ING MATCHUP. I will ****ing **** punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a **** if you SOR me, I WILL ****ING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.

I'm not ****ing kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not ****ing awkward than 80 that are ****ing pillowbitergots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't ****ing show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to ****ing God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a ****. Go **** yourself.
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:50 PM   #31
Rausch Rausch is offline
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Julia would make a fine addition to CP.
I dare say an inevitable addition to CP...
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I wish I always ended up at gay bars.
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:50 PM   #32
Frazod Frazod is offline
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I read it thinking of Jennifer Gray from Ferris Bueller.
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:51 PM   #33
Buehler445 Buehler445 is offline
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I have the filter on; did she say " **** punt "?
I love a good **** punt.

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Old 04-18-2013, 12:53 PM   #34
KChiefer KChiefer is offline
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Bring her in for a look?
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:53 PM   #35
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That girl sounds like a good lay.

I'd like her to pen me a sexually aggressive email.
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:55 PM   #36
Demonpenz Demonpenz is offline
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:56 PM   #37
jAZ jAZ is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fat Elvis View Post
I have the filter on; did she say " **** punt "?
c*nt punt
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:56 PM   #38
Saul Good Saul Good is offline
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c*nt punt
Why can't she punt?
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:56 PM   #39
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That girl sounds like a good lay.

I'd like her to pen me a sexually aggressive email.
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:57 PM   #40
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Feel bad for the poor sap that marries that rag.
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:58 PM   #41
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How weird that some people put so much emotion into such insignificant petty shit...
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Old 04-18-2013, 01:01 PM   #42
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I really, really want to see this woman haze the new recruits, because I think there must be some serious lesbian domination action going on in that starkly lit sorority house basement.
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Old 04-18-2013, 01:02 PM   #43
Count Zarth Count Zarth is online now
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My name is Rachel Norris and I am the current president of Delta Gamma at the University of Maryland. It has been brought to my attention that you recently published an unsavory email that was sent out over my chapter's list-serve. Is it possible for you to either remove the article or just remove the names "Delta Gamma" and "Sigma Nu" from your article? This email absolutely does not reflect our chapter's values nor Sigma Nu's and any assistance you can give us is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Rachel Norris
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Old 04-18-2013, 01:02 PM   #44
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*censored*
Reported.
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Old 04-18-2013, 01:03 PM   #45
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Feel bad for the poor sap that marries that rag.
This and I was gonna say, I hope she is never a mother and if she is I hope her daughter finds this to hold it for blackmail someday.
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