The Complete Arnold List/An Exhaustive Ranking of All 29 Schwarzengger Starring Roles

[thurman merman]

In honor of the outstanding return of Arnold Schwarzenegger in The LAst Stand tonight, I present to you my complete ranking of The Governator's movies.

29. Conan the Barbarian (1982)
By far the most overrated of all Arnold films, and really of any films. Absolutely atrocious from start to finish. No redeeming qualities.

28. The Villain (1979)
A live-action Roadrunner and Wylie Coyote spoof in which Arnold wears a powder blue cowboy suit and is named The Handsome Stranger. Not nearly as awesome as it sounds.

27. Red Sonja (1985)
Arguably the worst cast of all time, led by the remarkably annoying monkey child.

26. Hercules in New York (1969)
Easily one of the worst movies ever made, but still only the fourth worst Arnold movie. The hilarity of Arnold playing Hercules bumps it ever so slightly past the previous three turds.

25. Batman and Robin (1997)
Again, universally considered one of the worst movies ever. Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy is one of the most atrocious performances in the history of acting. I, however, can't help but enjoy the boatloads of bad ice puns that Schwarzenegger unloads in this picture. LET'S KICK SOME ICE!

24. Stay Hungry (1976)
A movie with no discernible point.

23. The Jayne Mansfield Story (1980)
A movie about a blonde chick or something. I don't remember it. I don't even remember Arnold being in it.

22. Conan the Destroyer (1984)
Much better than Conan the Barbarian. Much worse than most other movies.

21. End of Days (1999)
Awful.

20. Red Heat (1988)
Jim Belushi turns in an alarmingly unfunny sidekick role which really takes this movie down a few notches. He's no Tom Arnold in True Lies; that's for sure.

19. The Running Man (1987)
The movie that The Hunger Games ripped off. Some great one-liners by Arnold, but overall a disappointing film.

18. Last Action Hero (1993)
Starts strong from the very beginning ("You want to be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres!") and shows promise for about half an hour. Unnecessarily long and incredibly boring after that.

17. Raw Deal (1986)
Spectacular soundtrack and decent action, but a severely depressing lack of classic Arnold one-liners.

16. Jingle All the Way (1996)
Schwarzenegger is great ("YOU BARKED UP THE WRONG TREE!") and Phil Hartman plays an excellent obnoxious neighbor, but Sinbad crushes the replay value of this film. There's only so much Sinbad a man can take in one lifetime.

15. Junior (1994)
"She was Daddy's little girl…now he's giving her away!"

14. Collateral Damage (2002)
The movie is fine, but is one of the least funny of all Schwarzenegger films. Negative points for forgetting to have Arnold be funny in the script.

13. Pumping Iron (1977)
Fascinating, well-done documentary on bodybuilding featuring a very young Lou Ferrigno alongside Mr. Universe.

12. The 6th Day (2000)
Arnold clones himself and the bad guy is Danny Tanner's twin. Good enough for me.

11. Twins (1988)
Volume 1 of the Schwarzenegger/DeVito comedy dream team. Looking forward to the sequel with Eddie Murphy.

10. Terminator 3 (2003)
One of the more underrated Schwarzenegger films. Often overlooked because it didn't live up to T2…but then again, not a lot of movies do.

9. The Terminator (1984)
I'm not as high on this one as most people (in fact, I didn't like it at all the first time I saw it), but I do enjoy it more every time I watch it. A lot of iconic moments.

8. Total Recall (1990)
"Consider it a divorce."

7. Predator (1987)
The only movie where Arnold shows genuine fear. Of course, he still wins, but still an interesting tidbit.

6. Eraser (1996)
Schwarzenegger shooting an alligator and saying, "You're luggage" is worth the price of admission.

5. The Last Stand (2013)
After a ten-year break, even at age 65, Arnold hasn't lost a step. Well-written screenplay featuring that vintage blend of Schwarzenegger action and comedy.

4. Kindergarten Cop (1990)
This movie probably holds the record for most forehead veins popping out in fits of rage from a lead character. An abundance of spectacular quotes ("There is no bathroom!", "It's not a toomah!", "I'm da potty poopah," "Who is your daddy and what does he do?", "SHUUUUUUT UUUUUUP!", etc.)

3. Terminator 2 (1991)
"Chill out, dickwad."

2. True Lies (1994)
One of the rare Schwarzenegger movies that would actually be good even without Arnold. Well-done thriller with an excellent cast. Really looking forward to this being released on Blu-Ray.

1. Commando (1985)
An undeniably manly beast of a film.

[CJizzles]

Last Action Hero needs to be higher!

Used to watch the shit out of that when I was younger.

[Brainiac]

Originally Posted by Crush

Am I the only person that absolutely hates Terminator 2? That movie sucked.

Yes. You're the only one.

[Deberg_1990]

Originally Posted by CJizzles

Last Action Hero needs to be higher!

Used to watch the shit out of that when I was younger.

that movie has grown on me over the years. Its a little better than it was given credit for. It flopped and im not sure audiences were ready for a cynical/parody of action movies at the time.

[CJizzles]

Originally Posted by Deberg_1990

that movie has grown on me over the years. Its a little better than it was given credit for. It flopped and im not sure audiences were ready for a cynical/parody of action movies at the time.

I haven't seen it in years. But I always made an effort to see it when it was on.

I always enjoyed it too.

[Fishpicker]

Conan has no redeeming qualities? really? it has its flaws but come on. you didn't like the score by Basil Poledouris?

[Branden Albert's Huge Balls]

End of days is just cool for the artistry with which the film was made.

[frazod]

The original Conan was directed by John Milius. The screenplay was written by Oliver Stone, a straight, unwaivering revenge story. It was beautifully shot, had high production values. They used actually quality Spanish swords instead of tin foil Hollywood props. The score by (Kansas City native) Basil Poledouris is one of the best in motion picture history. Much like Star Wars, the weaker principal performances were bolstered by talented supporting cast members, like James Earl Jones and Max Von Sydow. Do you really need an Oscar-caliber actor to play a pissed-off avenging barbarian? NO. Was it cheesy? Sure, but no more so that other Schwarzenegger films like Commando. It's not his worse movie - it's one of his best. It is far and away my favorite Arnie movie, and the only ones I'd acknowledge as being better overall films are Terminator, Terminator 2 and Predator.

And if you don't think so, and especially if you think it's worse than shit like the second Conan, Red Sonja or Batman and Robin, which were all absolutely horrific, you're ****ing retarded.

[scott free]

Originally Posted by Deberg_1990

Thread starter is the first person ive ever heard say or list Conan the Destroyer as better than Barbarian?? WTF?


Destroyer was pure cheeeese.

THIS.

That list sucks predator balls.

[scott free]

Originally Posted by GoWalrus

End of days is just cool for the artistry with which the film was made.

Definitely one of his best serious acting roles.

[Deberg_1990]

Originally Posted by frazod

The original Conan was directed by John Milius. The screenplay was written by Oliver Stone, a straight, unwaivering revenge story. It was beautifully shot, had high production values. They used actually quality Spanish swords instead of tin foil Hollywood props. The score by (Kansas City native) Basil Poledouris is one of the best in motion picture history. Much like Star Wars, the weaker principal performances were bolstered by talented supporting cast members, like James Earl Jones and Max Von Sydow. Do you really need an Oscar-caliber actor to play a pissed-off avenging barbarian? NO. Was it cheesy? Sure, but no more so that other Schwarzenegger films like Commando. It's not his worse movie - it's one of his best. It is far and away my favorite Arnie movie, and the only ones I'd acknowledge as being better overall films are Terminator, Terminator 2 and Predator.

And if you don't think so, and especially if you think it's worse than shit like the second Conan, Red Sonja or Batman and Robin, which were all absolutely horrific, you're ****ing retarded.

This.

Ever seen the reboot from a year or two ago? IM tempted, but heard it sucks.

[ThaVirus]

Originally Posted by Crush

Am I the only person that absolutely hates Terminator 2? That movie sucked.

Wow, yes, you most certainly are the only one. Not only that, I now brand you village idiot for life. NO REDEMPTION.

[Branden Albert's Huge Balls]

Originally Posted by frazod

The score by (Kansas City native) Basil Poledouris is one of the best in motion picture history. d.

They flat out do not score films like Basil Poledouris used to do it anymore.

It's a dead art. He's also dead.

I love his scores for Conan, Robocop, The Hunt for Red October and Starship Troopers. In fact his score for ST might be the best part of that film.

[Fishpicker]

Originally Posted by Deberg_1990

Ever seen the reboot from a year or two ago? IM tempted, but heard it sucks.

It's incredibly bad. The opening scene is pretty funny though. Conan's mother and father are fighting in a battle. It's an every day kind of battle and the movie doesn't explain why they are there. Conan's mother is pregnant with Conan and is nearly due while she is fighting so she is a bit hampered. She gets herself cut up and she is going to die from bleeding out. Conan's father wants that baby though. He performs an emergency C-section with a very broad knife. He doesn't look away from his wife's eyes while he does it, he just pulls out a large blade and quickly stabs his wife in the vag then, saws her open. then the father reaches in and pulls Conan out. (he did all that and never looked down to see where he was cutting/stabbing) Once he pulls Conan out, the father holds Conan over his head to expose him to the elements so he will toughen up. Baby Conan and his loving dad then let out a battle cry, together.

that's fairly nonsensical but it's not the worst part of that movie.

[Deberg_1990]

Originally Posted by Fishpicker

It's incredibly bad. The opening scene is pretty funny though. Conan's mother and father are fighting in a battle. It's an every day kind of battle and the movie doesn't explain why they are there. Conan's mother is pregnant with Conan and is nearly due while she is fighting so she is a bit hampered. She gets herself cut up and she is going to die from bleeding out. Conan's father wants that baby though. He performs an emergency C-section with a very broad knife. He doesn't look away from his wife's eyes while he does it, he just pulls out a large blade and quickly stabs his wife in the vag then, saws her open. then the father reaches in and pulls Conan out. (he did all that and never looked down to see where he was cutting/stabbing) Once he pulls Conan out, the father holds Conan over his head to expose him to the elements so he will toughen up. Baby Conan and his loving dad then let out a battle cry, together.

that's fairly nonsensical but it's not the worst part of that movie.

I have to watch this now.

[ThaVirus]

Originally Posted by Fishpicker

It's incredibly bad. The opening scene is pretty funny though. Conan's mother and father are fighting in a battle. It's an every day kind of battle and the movie doesn't explain why they are there. Conan's mother is pregnant with Conan and is nearly due while she is fighting so she is a bit hampered. She gets herself cut up and she is going to die from bleeding out. Conan's father wants that baby though. He performs an emergency C-section with a very broad knife. He doesn't look away from his wife's eyes while he does it, he just pulls out a large blade and quickly stabs his wife in the vag then, saws her open. then the father reaches in and pulls Conan out. (he did all that and never looked down to see where he was cutting/stabbing) Once he pulls Conan out, the father holds Conan over his head to expose him to the elements so he will toughen up. Baby Conan and his loving dad then let out a battle cry, together.

that's fairly nonsensical but it's not the worst part of that movie.

Yeah.. Pretty bad.

I thought the "born of battle" line was pretty cool though.