Any Uber/Lyft Drivers out there?

[MahiMike]

When I pick up passengers and they feel like talking, inevitably there are 6 questions that I repeatedly get from people. The number of rides I have given is in the 5 digits, which means I have answered these questions THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of times. Usually I give honest responses, sometimes I will make stuff up if I think the pax (passengers) are on auto pilot and not really paying attention. Sometimes I will turn it into an educational experience for them, to help them understand just a little bit more of the truth about being a driver (low pay, expenses, dangers, etc). It just depends on the passengers and their attitudes at the time.



The six questions:

1. Are you originally from here? Where are you from?

2. Do you drive full time or part time? What’s your last/other job?

3. How long have you been driving? How do you like driving for (company)?

4. What’s your craziest story?

5. Which do you like better, Uber or Lyft? Why?

6. Anyone ever throw up in your car?



Over time I have gotten more and more creative with some of my responses. The drunker and more gullible the pax, the more outlandish the stories. Here are a few of my favorites:



Where are you from?

I moved here a while ago from Atlantis.

“Atlantis?”

Yeah. It was a really nice city but they had this problem with flooding every summer. So I moved out here with my cousin before things got really bad back home. Right after I moved they had this major flood, I got out just in time. I want to go visit my parents there, but I don’t know where it is anymore.



What’s your craziest story?

There was this time that I rolled through this stop sign and hit a bicyclist.

“WHAT?!?”

Yeah, I looked left and right and didn’t see any cars, so I just kinda did a slow roll stop thing, you know what I mean? Then I stepped on the gas and BAM!

“WHAT?!?”

Yeah, the guy screamed like a little witch right before I hit him. But I figure it was his fault, he wasn’t even wearing a helmet. So he was breaking the law, it was his fault. You have to wear a helmet when you ride a bike,, right? Anyway, there were no witnesses, so I just told the insurance company that the guy came out of nowhere.

“Are you serious?”

Yeah, it turns out the guy was an illegal immigrant, so they deported him and that was the end of it. After he got out of the hospital.



What’s your last job?

Do you work for the police, the FBI, or Wells Fargo?

“Uh, no, why?”

Because if you did I couldn’t tell you my last job. Anyway, I worked with some friends, they robbed banks and I was the getaway driver.

“What?”

Yeah, but the last one in May my cousin Pookie got shot in the leg, so they all got caught and I got away. I don’t think they would turn me in, but just to be safe I moved out here to lay low for a while. I really don’t have any skills, so I became an Uber driver.

“Are you serious?”

Of course! You don’t need any skill to be an Uber driver, and they don’t do any interviews or anything. They don’t even bother with real background checks. So I just uploaded a fake ID and here I am! It was easy!



How long have you been driving?

Since I was 16. I had to stop for a little while last year after I got my 3rd DUI, but I have a kick ass lawyer and he got it overturned.



How do you like driving?

It’s great! When I get hungry I just turn on Uber Eats and get some free food. Sometimes I make friends with people while I’m driving and people buy me a couple drinks, or smoke me out on their way to a party. Free alcohol and weed is so awesome! They should have created Uber and Lyft years ago! I could have saved a fortune in my early 20’s.



Which do you like better, Uber or Lyft?

Oh man, Lyft is so much better! They pay more for a cancellation fee than they do for actually driving people home! Can you believe it? Whenever I get a pickup from a grocery store I just hang out around the corner for 5 minutes and ignore the customer’s phone call, and I make a quick $5. I can make $30 an hour for not doing anything! It’s not like I wanted to help people load and unload their groceries anyway.



Anyone ever throw up in your car?

Sure, it happens. In fact, someone threw up last night, I only got $80 for it, and I didn’t have any wipes or anything, so I just kept on driving. Didn’t have time to clean it up. But you can’t even smell it now.



What’s your craziest story?

One time I was giving these girls a ride back to their dorm, and one of them kept playing videos of stupid stuff they were doing earlier at the club. It was so annoying! So when we got on the freeway I rolled down my window, grabbed her phone and threw it out the window! Stupid kids, don’t they know it’s rude to play videos in someone’s car? I was trying to listen to my music. Besides, it’s not like they were doing anything worth watching again anyway.



What’s your other job?

Oh boy, that’s a great question, I’m glad you asked! I work for an international network marketing company that helps people attain their dreams of financial freedom by earning passive income. Good thing this is a long ride, you’re gonna be so excited when I tell you about it! Have you ever heard of Amway? Oh, before I forget, let me get your contact information.



How do you like driving for these companies?

Man, this is the best job ever! No boss, nobody telling me when to work. If I want to pull an all nighter, no problem! Like right now, I’m on my 14th hour, and no one is giving me shit telling me I have to stop for the night. Here, you want some Red Bull? I have some extra cans for later. Oh, you should probably buckle up. Safety first. There’s some seriously crazy drivers out tonight, I don’t know what the deal is with people in this town. Some people are so sketch. Did you want a Red Bull? Did I already ask you that? Whoa, stop sign!



Which do you like better, Uber or Lyft?

Uber is so much better. Whenever I think someone might give me a rating less than 5 stars, I give them a 1 star first, and send Uber a message saying that the customer threatened me. Then Uber kicks that person off the platform for 6 weeks, and makes sure that whatever rating they give me, it won’t count against me. See, that’s how I keep my rating so high.

“Really?”

Yeah, works every time! It’s not like Uber is going to take the time to investigate anything. They just tell people that they are investigating, all they really do is let time pass and people give up and go away.



How long have you been driving?

I started doing Uber in 2005.

“I thought Uber has only been around for 5 or 6 years?”

Well, technically, 10. But I’m close friends with the founder, and we were trying this out for years before we could find a programmer to make the app the way we wanted it. We would just roll up to hot women on the street and ask if they wanted rides. In fact, that’s why he named this “Boober”, cause it gets him boobs. But we couldn’t call it Boober, needed something more PC.

“You’re friends with Travis Kalanik?”

Oh yeah, me an Turkey, I call him Turkey, we go way back. When he cashed out he told me that if I do this and support the company for another 2 years, he will give me $500 million in stock options. So, I keep driving with a smile on my face. I only get paid $4 on average for each ride, but some day I’m gonna be rich from doing this!





And some bonus ones…..



“Wow, you got here quick!”

Ah, you must be part of the Lyft VIP program. Do you take a lot of Lyft?

“Yes, how did you know? I take at least 2 or 3 every month.”

Well, as a VIP, whenever you open your app, the company assumes you are about to order a ride. So, they send a car to your location. That way, when you actually order it, the driver is right there, every time. Bet you haven’t had to wait more than 5 minutes for a car in months, have you?



-----------------------------



“The GPS is always wrong, you need to turn left in about a block.”

Okay. (drive a little ways forward)

“Turn right ….. here.”

Right? Or left?

“Right. Left. Right here.”

(turn left into mega apartment complex)

“My place is up here, by that white car.” (points to a row of 12 cars, with 4 white cars).

Right up here?

“Yes, the place with no light on.”

(6 units, 3 have no lights on)

“Thank you! Drive safe!”

No promises. Good night.

[Simply Red]

[Dante84]

5 stars automatically to the driver if they don’t talk.

A quiet ride is a good ride.

[KCUnited]

The street I live on has these giant speed bumps that never had the reflective stickers put back on them after the last time the city resurfaced the street (mother**** you Chicago). They're impossible to see at night and if a driver is annoying or driving like shit, I won't say anything and will just brace myself right before they slam into them. If a driver is cool and driving well, I'll give them a heads up once they turn onto the street.

[Spott]

Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

[Buehler445]

Originally Posted by KCUnited

The street I live on has these giant speed bumps that never had the reflective stickers put back on them after the last time the city resurfaced the street (mother**** you Chicago). They're impossible to see at night and if a driver is annoying or driving like shit, I won't say anything and will just brace myself right before they slam into them. If a driver is cool and driving well, I'll give them a heads up once they turn onto the street.

[scho63]

Originally Posted by MahiMike

When I pick up passengers and they feel like talking, inevitably there are 6 questions that I repeatedly get from people.

Just go diddle yourself to say time and money.

[C3HIEF3S]

Originally Posted by KCUnited

The street I live on has these giant speed bumps that never had the reflective stickers put back on them after the last time the city resurfaced the street (mother**** you Chicago). They're impossible to see at night and if a driver is annoying or driving like shit, I won't say anything and will just brace myself right before they slam into them. If a driver is cool and driving well, I'll give them a heads up once they turn onto the street.

I really don’t think I have ever personally related to a post more since I’ve been on CP.

[007]

Originally Posted by Dante84

5 stars automatically to the driver if they don’t talk.

A quiet ride is a good ride.

That drove me nuts when the Mrs. and I went to Vegas a couple years ago. Drivers always wanted to chat. I just want to sit and enjoy some peace and quiet.

[cooper barrett]

Its nice when they shut the **** up but every once in a while they will show you the fun places off the beaten path...

Take the good with the bad.

Uber, for those who cant hack a USPS job...

[Maine]

Why would one use their own vehicle to drive a bunch of drunks around?

[Eleazar]

Originally Posted by Maine

Why would one use their own vehicle to drive a bunch of drunks around?

If they honk in the car you really cash in.

[cooper barrett]

Originally Posted by Maine

Why would one use their own vehicle to drive a bunch of drunks around?

You get to watch 2 girls going at it at 3 am?

[ChiliConCarnage]

If you aren't asking them, Are you gay!? You're failing. It's key to making money