ChiefsPlanet - View Single Post - The Top 101 CP Posters of 2014 Part 2 Presented by SNR

Pasta Little Brioni · 08-01-2014, 06:43 AM

20. tk13

Spoiler!

tk13 is the 2nd worst thing to ever happen to this forum. The first is Deberg.

I'm not sure why I signed off when PGM put him on the list in the first place. Think about whom I could be roasting right now instead of tk13.

Daru. I could be roasting Daru. That would be hella fun.

mylonsd? You bet. Don't think I've run out of middle-aged old and boring midwesterner jokes yet. There are plenty more of those. Trust me.

Taco John. Good **** people, I could be roasting Taco John right now. Do you know how much material that guy has? Endless amounts. He's responsible for so many of CP's colloquialisms and literary memes; he's the Bill Shakespeare of Chiefs Planet! Christ, the man invented the "I'm leaving forever thread!" Imagine how hard it would be to **** up a Taco John roast! It's impossible. tk13 could probably write a decent Taco John roast. That's how easy it would be.

I can't remember a damn funny thing tk13 has ever posted. Hell, I can barely remember anything he's posted at all. Once upon a time I mentioned that I like Gordon Lightfoot, and so he would occasionally post The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald in response to something I said. No, I don't know why. Maybe he thought it was funny, or maybe he was flirting with me. I don't care, really. That's the only thing I remember him posting.

Here's another Taco John word of the day for you all: burst. As in tk13 has none. He didn't lose it, though, and that's because he never had any to begin with. No legendary feuds. No awesome photoshops, material, manifestos, or a ****ing MS Paint drawing. No football or sports takes he's forever known for. Nobody can name anything he likes or dislikes. He's not a true fan, and he's not a drafturbator. He's always just chilling out in the background posting the most gripping shit you ever ****ing read like, "It's only Week 4. The Chiefs aren't out of the playoff hunt yet." He doesn't even post in the DC forum. He doesn't even have a personality. He's just barely halfway pleasant all the time. Never angry, happy, excited, scared, horny, insane, drunk, or stoned. His username is boring as ****-- just two letters and a two-digit number. Yeah, I know what you're saying, "Look who's talking, guy with three letters." Do you know how many times people have tried to figure out what SNR stands for? Have you EVER wondered what the deal was with tk13's name? And if you did, how long did it take you to shrug your shoulders and forget that you cared?

The man hasn't ever had an avatar. Not once in 13 years. That's how ****ing unremarkable his 35,000+ posts have been on CP.

I know I already used boring smaque on Cochise, but I would have saved my semen if I knew that tk13 was going to be on board.

I'll tell you what. Let's add some burst right now. You know that international society that will pay you a gajillion dollars if you prove one of these seven math proofs? We'll do that here. You guys go find some ACTUAL dirt that I could be roasting tk13 on right now besides the fact that there is none, and I'll write a roast about anybody on this forum. You pick. Your worst enemy, your best friend, or the weirdest ****er you can think of. It will be a special project that you commissioned by solving the unsolveable-- finding a legitimate long-lasting contribution that tk13 has made to ANY living breathing asshole in this cesspool of a forum.

Go.

19. cdcox

Spoiler!

Look, I get the value in what statistics does in terms of decision-making and correlation research. Breaking down reality into manageable data chunks (especially if they're quantitative data) is a neat trick.

But ****, cdcox. You ever hear the expression, "Keep work at work?" Because you take this shit pretty far, man. When you're ****ing your wife, do you record your actions in a log for later analysis? Do you put together charts and tables and graphs to find out which position will yield the highest probability of getting her to orgasm properly? When she complains about how you're getting fat from too much beer, do you grunt, "Correlation doesn't imply causation, honey!"

See, I don't even know if you're a health nut or a fatass. But if we were to trade places, I'd find myself running probability scenarios to figure out if you are, even though it can only ever give me a probability figure.

I had an advisor in grad school who was just as invested as you are in research. The running joke among the grad students was that the last words out of his mouth would be a library call number. I'm worried about the same for you, cdcox.

So let me give you a few figures to keep in mind, and maybe they'll put you on the right track.

-I've calculated a 78% probability that when you run weekly playoff scenarios to come up with each team's chances of the playoffs, not once will these percentages ever consistently come up with the correct lineup of probable teams.

-Based on the activity level and age for a Chiefs Planet member of your demographic and post count, there's an 83% likelihood that you're balding and currently have or used to wear a goatee. Incidentally, for everybody else reading this roast, there's also a 91% chance that CP bald and goatee jokes will never not be funny.

-This means you should also probably see a proctologist immediately. Just... trust me. Numbers don't lie.

-Lastly, I did a computer projective analysis of the future of Sandbox Simulations. The results weren't good, so I asked it for your best chance of the program NOT being a buggy piece of shit that people get sick of after 2 months. The best it could do was 4%, accounting for the standard .05 margin of error.

18. Saccopoo

Spoiler!

*KNOCK KNOCK*

Hello there! My name is Saccopoo, and I'm here to talk to you about the Good News of football programs in the Utah System of Higher Education.

Wait, wait, don't shut the door! I haven't given you a free copy of the Book of Mockdraft!

Well, yes, the Book of Mockdraft is very similar to Drafturbatity. We follow the same players, we both watch the combine, and it is the ultimate mortal goal of both of us to find as many great professional players as possible. But there are significant differences among us. You see, the Book of Mockdraft teaches us about the higher realm of existence intended for all draftable football players from Utah colleges and universities. They are all perfect emanations of God at their respective positions. And if you follow their college careers closely and believe in their boundless pro potential, you will also be bestowed eternal football greatness, only in the form of wisdom.

No, that's not all. We can't just let strangers into our sacred tabernacle. Before you can get to that point, you must reform yourself and your habits so that you are pure of spirit. This next part can get kind of confusing, because you'll be tempted to compare it to Drafturbatity and Truefanism. It is its own separate thing. You can learn more by checking out this free pamplet provided by the Church of Football Programs in the Utah System of Higher Education:

Quote:

--We believe in worthless things like all-conference honors and subjective national accolades in player evaluations. These items on a player's resume are just as if not more important than regular season statistics and combine numbers

--Speaking of which, when looking at combine numbers, we believe in obsessing over them if they support the profile of a Utah player

--We may find the same things to be sacred that Drafturbators do, but we believe that ever since that Phobia guy left Chiefs Planet, the forum has suffered from its splintering into sects and subforums and cliques. We are a return to the original Chiefs Planet from the time when friendly football conversation was the only thing people ever talked about. That means in order to lead a pure life, you do not participate in NFTs or threads from any subforum besides Draft Planet.

--Fatties are the key to eternal football enlightenment, and their prophet is Russell Okung, the greatest LT to ever live. He became a martyr in our religion when the Chiefs passed on him for Eric Berry because Satan tricked them into drafting Branden Albert two years prior, one of his horrid unholy demons.

--You are also required to buy into a batshit crazy football opinion cause annually and make that a tenant of your football message that you spread into the world. Me, personally? I'm claiming that Dontari Poe ****ing sucks, and all my Chiefs draft projections have them taking a NT with their 1st round pick. You're only required to believe this mind****ery for one year, though, so when the Chiefs end up passing on Geno Smith, you're allowed to never speak his name again and pretend that you were never delightfully fisted up to the elbow with Geno Mania.

There are some other important things to discuss, but those can wait. For now, you should really read the Book of Mockdraft. In order to believe that the best football in the country is played in the state of Utah, you must KNOW about why the best draft picks every year come from Utah!

So if you're interested, please join us in the Draft Forum next week for our mock draft updates! Each mock selection includes a picture of the player! Some of the pictures are even the super homoerotic ones where the player is stripped down to his Underarmor while he does an ultra hard-core super tough flaming gay pouty face! Also, we have free cookies and juice!

Have a nice day!

17. AustinChief

Spoiler!

16. JASONSAUTO

Spoiler!

15. The Bad Guy

Spoiler!

14. the Talking Can

Spoiler!

13. DeezNutz

Spoiler!

DeezNutz is a Chiefs, Royals, and Mizzou fan. That's a ****ton of misery and pain to deal with. Compared to other CP posters who like the same teams, he's actually fairly well-adjusted. He's not a psychotic ****tard like petegz28 or frazod, and he seems to be able to find appropriate outlets to vent his frustration of going so long without knowing what it's like to be a fan of any team who sustains success. His short, sarcastic posts, while making him appear bitter and self-loathing, do a good job of allowing him to be able to look at the truth squarely in the face without becoming too depressed. However, it's unknown if this is a good way of attaining satisfaction through the worst of times or if it's actually unhealthily building up layers of repression that will cause him to snap like a twig later in life. Time will only tell.

He's also the most obscure and possibly least respected of the old Horsemen of the Apo-Cassel-ypse. It's quite possible that he only joined because they other three needed a fourth person to hand out pamphlets about the dangers of drafting Aaron Curry, like when the original three Ghostbusters added the black guy to the team almost randomly in the middle of the movie. In a stunning twist, the black guy doesn't die, and DeezNutz is still finding creative ways to sarcastically bitch about Mizzou's basketball coach and Ned Yost. If I had to compare him to other posters, I'd say he's Rain Man's evil brother from south of the border.

I have great respect for all of my drafturbator friends, but because Deez is biggest sarcastic bitch of the bunch, I'm reminded that it's people like him whose selfishness has brought down the quality of the CP Mock Draft. His coattail-riding ass is part of the reason why Sfeihc acts like he owns the goddamn place and why chiefscafan is now a fully-fledged member. It's bad enough that we had to suck Saccopoo's dick to get him to join, only to have him continually tell us to politely **** off. So thanks for screwing your friends over, Deez. Because the Colts playoff loss drove people into mad fits of insanity for months, you want us to hang out with Mav for several weeks in March/April. Hope your time off was ****ing worth it.