I'm on a flight from LA to Chicago (1991 or '92). As I am starting to get my ticket I notice a crowd of people gathering around a woman that was sitting in the boarding area. Curious, I asked a gentleman standing in back of me, if he knew who it was. He told me (and forgive me that I can't remember her real name) that it was Elli Mae Clampett from the Beverly Hillbillies. My initial reaction was that, "holy shit, she's fat, ugly and old." I can't believe I used to get a little reaction from Mr. Happy watching her prance around the 'cement pond' in her bathing suit.
To make a long story short, she and I were both sitting in 1st class. Shortly after take off, I got up to take a wizz. As is standard protocol, and I don't know why, I always take off my glasses when I hit the head (just quirky, I guess). At any rate, I leave the bathroom and there's Elli Mae waiting to get in after me. I smiled, half wanting to cry over her debilitating features, and gave way to the bathroom entrance.
I get back to my seat, pull out a magazine, and realize that I can't see the print. I left my freaking goggles in the John. Pissed off, and slightly embarrassed, I meandered back to the ****ter to take back that which was rightfully mine (the glasses, not my piss
). After waiting an uncomftable amount of time, and staving off a few stares from people that knew that I had already utilized one of my 2 allotted potty usages on the plane - out waddled Elli.
From the moment she opened the door, an aroma swept through the cabin that drew stares at one another and specifically at Miss Elli. I peered over my shoulder as she scampered to her seat, obviously embarrassed over the blatant foulness that penetrated thru 1st class and beyond. The other 1st class passengers looked at me with amazement as in "are you really going back into the Sewage Canal?" The flight attendant did an obvious duck into the cockpit for what I must believe was an attempt to garner some fresh air. I could feel little beads of sweat forming at the top of my brow. The question was, could I get by without my glasses? For a moment, I was more than willing to scrap the old specs and get a new pair at the nearest optical eyeware store in Chicago. However, seeing how it was a plus 3 hr flight and I had work to do, I threw my self into the Lion's Den of Stink.
I quietly took a deep breath, prayed for focus and opened the door. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see other passengers ducking their heads and holding their noses. After less than 15 seconds in the DMV, I came out, and could see a sense of admiration from my other passenger mates in 1st class, as though I had earned their badge of honor. Elli, on the other hand was, at a minimum, six different shades of red over the incredible results of her bowel movement.
I shall never look at Hollywood Stars the same way again.