[Ultra Peanut]

Look on this work, ye Mighty, and despair!

It's really very simple....

A wrestler called Sharkboy kept wrestling through injuries till he went into a coma at his fish themed house surrounded by his fish wife and children. The sound of broken glass healed his body and made him think he was Stone Cold Steve Austin.... but a shark!

A reerun called Eric Young is a jerk to his friends, costing them titles, opportunities, money and prestige.

A wrestler called Curry Man pretends to be Japanese by affecting a horrendously racist accent and wearing a plate of curry on his head.

All three of these guys are faces, and formed a team together called The Prince Justice Brotherhood.

There's a monster called Chris Abyss Parks-Mitchell Park who used to be a pain-loving monster but then went to an insane asylum after which he became a milkman.

There's a huge female wrestler called Awesome Kong who is one of the best female wrestlers in the world today and destroyed everyone in TNA until she was beaten by a complete nobody generic blond who proceeded to do nothing with her title for several months before Kong just went ahead and beat her again.

There's a terrorist who had the sound of a plane crashing into a building for his theme music. His gimmick is that he's a terrorist and he wants to kill Americans and America.

There's an Indian guy who constantly told his best friend he meant to steal his fiance, got made his best man, ruined his wedding, openly admitted he was trying to bang the fiance, so the fiance got angry at the other guy for overreacting, then turned on the other guy and went with the Indian. The other guy, by the way, is a black dude who thinks he is The Macho Man.

There's a couple of females whose original gimmick was that they were porno stars or sluts or something, offering to suck cock everywhere they went. Now they brutalize people by putting a paper bag over their head. Their older sister recently joined them in this.

There's a tall male slut and a little dude and a skank who pretend to play music on Guitar Hero guitars.

The world's most boring man and a drunk redneck run around beating minorities with whips and laughing about how rich they are.

There's a manchild called AJ Styles who doesn't know what the hell is going on with his life.

There's a fat stupid guy called Samoa Joe who was the World Champion. He told Kevin Nash (who was past his prime in 2000, eight years ago) that he was a useless old man. Nash decided to be his best friend, then the next week they were enemies (and talked about as if that had always been the way) and then the next week friends, with Nash openly telling everyone he meant to turn on Joe. He then spent weeks deriding Joe, telling him he was a loser, openly saying he meant to turn on him and he was going to **** him out of the title. Then he disappeared for a couple of weeks, came back, then ****ed Joe out of the title. Joe was shocked.

Former WWE main eventer/World Heavyweight Champion Booker T has started talking with a Nigerian Accent with absolutely no explanation.

Sting (who was an aging veteran in 1996) has a contract that says he only has to work Impact every so often, and some PPVs, but no house shows. He beat Samoa Joe for the title by cheating in his first match back in month, winning at Bound for Glory as he has the last three years in a row. He is supposed to be a heel but has just gone ahead and kept cutting face promos.

Jeff Jarrett (a midcarder with potential in WWF back in the mid-90s) came back after a couple of years absence, told Kurt Angle that Kurt was the best wrestler who ever lived, said he had two years of ring rust and no training and didn't want to wrestle anymore.... then accepted a match with Angle and beat him.

The latest main storyline is a reformation of the Millionaire's Club angle that was run at the end of WCW's life, shortly before the former world leader in Wrestling was bought out lock, stock and barrel by Vince McMahon for exactly $47.... which Vince never bothered to pay. It features Kevin Nash, Kurt Angle, Booker T and Sting, and they have promised to dominate the show and make sure they're the ones at the top no matter what because they're old so they deserve it. Former WWE star Christian has been forced into a match where, if he loses, he will be forced to join this club of guys looking out for each other and putting each other into the top spots.

Mick Foley, a wrestler who was at the top of wrestling during its hottest phase and yet can't possibly be worth more than a few hundred thousand dollars at the absolute maximum (dude has a wife, house, and four kids) is apparently wealthy enough to buy a significant number of TNA shares and become the new authority figure.

And deep at the heart of it all, sitting in his own personal hell and suffering through all of this with a thumping vein in his forehead, is Jim Cornette.

Dying for our sins.