[RealSNR]

7. Simply Red



Simply Red is a catty bitch. Only he could get away with giving people advice about fashion and appearance while typing all of his posts exclusively in Comic Sans.

Simply Red is "the weird phase I was going through" that all women talk about when they discuss their ex-husbands amongst each other.

Simply Red will smother you with love, but then show passive-aggressive tendencies when he's mad at you by hogging all the covers at night.

According to cdcox's prediction software, 76% of Chiefs Planet posters thought Simply Red was gay when he first started posting. NTTIAWWT.

Simply Red has seen Clay's penis.

To be fair, I don't think he had a choice in the matter.

Speaking of Clay, Simply Red is also the first poster to successfully make first contact with salame. Nobody had any ****ing clue what they were saying, but scholars believe it had something to do with drugs.

I already said Simply Red is a catty bitch, but I want to place the emphasis on catty. As in, he's rather cat-like. He'll totally pee on your shit if you don't pay enough attention to him.

Simply Red has two loves in this world: Melissa Joan Hart and Peter and the Wolf. Lucky for him, this shit exists:



Unlucky for Simply Red, that recording is evidence that Melissa Joan Hart is pretty terrible at narration.

Simply Red is the ****ing listmaker. Can we just all agree on that?

I probably would have been more disparaging in this toast, but I just seemed to be too nice today.