Hypothetical: Enter the witness protection program here.
 

State your interest and I will assign you a new life, along with that of your real or hypothetical spouse.

Here's mine:

Male name: BRYON
Female name: PAMELA
Surname: BARLOW
Location: Winnebago County, Iowa
Male occupation: Audio-Visual and Multimedia Collections Specialists
Annual Salary: $39,500
Female occupation: Tellers
Annual Salary: $31,700
Your Main Hobby: Astrology
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Skiing

I wish they had assigned me a first name with a standard spelling, but my new job sounds okay. Kind of a cold place to live, though.

Already in the program.

Second time's a charm. Here's your new identity.

WTF ! My main Hobby is HERPING !

You will unfortunately get teased a bit regarding 1980s Saturday Night Live, but you'll make a good living off your spouse.

Male name: HANS
Female name: FRAN
Surname: PARKS
Location: Monroe County, Illinois
Male occupation: Machine Feeders and Offbearers
Annual Salary: $32,000
Female occupation: Information Security Analysts
Annual Salary: $117,400
Your Main Hobby: Aircraft spotting
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Origami

I had to look it up, and it sounds interesting. It was less prostitution-related than I thought.

So after a long day of feeding raw material into a machine, I relax by determining if there is currently aircraft flying through the sky or not.

I'd rather just get murdered by the mob. Thanks anyway.

Ok.. I have a Mob hit out for me because I ratted them out.... I need to be by a golf course...

Did your new life not ... PUMP ... YOU ... UP?

Sorry, just had to get in the first naming ridicule.

Let's see.

Male name: HARVEY
Female name: NAOMI
Surname: RAWSON
Location: Kinney County, Texas
Male occupation: Education Administrators, Postsecondary
Annual Salary: $62,900
Female occupation: Sound Engineering Technicians
Annual Salary: $49,800
Your Main Hobby: Pottery
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Rappelling

A pot-making principal on the Mexican border. Are you reading a golf connection into any of that?

I'm going to start calling the wife Naomi in the morning....

I want in! Hide me!

You get an alliterative name and a new home in the heartland, along with a nimble wife.


Male name: MARC
Female name: JACQUELYN
Surname: MARTZ
Location: Warrick County, Indiana
Male occupation: Meeting, Convention, and Event Planners
Annual Salary: $44,200
Female occupation: Media and Communication Equipment Workers, All Other
Annual Salary: $96,300
Your Main Hobby: Fantasy Sports
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Parkour

Do you guys remember Wright Thompson's feature about Helmet Man, the Egyptian National who emigrated to the US, became a witness for the first WTC bombing, and was then eventually relocated to KC, where he became a Chiefs Superfan? Eventually, the FO found out his identity, and after other legal and financial dustups, they took away his season tickets.

Additional layer of irony: the two main guys he testified against were in Leavenworth and Springfield, and they plopped him down basically right between the two of them.