Gladiator 2018 - Round 2, Match 12 - kysirsoze versus Gadzooks
 

Vote for the person that you think would win this match in a battle to death or submission. As background, assume that prior to the tournament you received 10 minutes of training on every weapon. The time listed is the amount of time before the match where you learn what the weaponry and venue is. All participants are handed their weapons at t=0 unless stated otherwise.


Venue - The Woodstock concert, 1969, on a muddy hillside full of hippies having sex, during Joe Cocker's "Get By With A Little Help From My Friends"
Starting Distance - 484 feet

kysirsoze

Main Weapon - Spear (6 foot)
Backup Weapon - None

Prep Time - 10 Minutes
Special Factors - Your opponent is collared on a ten-foot leash at his/her starting location and cannot remove it.

Gadzooks

Main Weapon - Spear (6 foot)
Backup Weapon - None

Prep Time - 11 Minutes
Special Factors - A class of ten 9 year-old kids who are green belts in karate will assist you

This needs to be put to film.

a lot of 9 year old are going to die in this simulation.

This is a tough one. Initially I thought it would be kysirsoze against the kids, and then if he made it through that he'd take on Gadzooks, but with a bit of fatigue and some minor injuries. Then I realized that if he beat them, he could just wait and rest for a while and go get some chili at one of the hippie food stands.

But then I realized that if I'm Gadzooks, I draw a big circle in the mud at the extent of my radius and order the kids to never go outside that radius. kysirsoze would have to press the attack at some point.

But then I realized that if Gadzooks gave that order, kysirsoze could fight all of the kids from a radius two feet beyond that circle, spearing them and dragging them out like little fish in a barrel to finish them off.

I feel like the leash is more of a detriment that it would appear.

The leash clinches this for me. Most likely, I take all the kids out and then move in carefully, taking advantage of Gadzooks limited mobility. If he keeps the kids closer I use Rainman's fish in a barrel strategy then get Gadzooks. I can take all the time I want. He just has no play here.

Also he's a filthy Chargers fan.

kysirsoze impales 11 people on a six foot spear, then heads to the front row to hear a little Creedence Clearwater Revival. He moves on to Round 3.

I call bullshit. First of all, I was off the grid when this match came up. Secondly, the 10 nine year old green belts who are tasked to assist me leaves a lot of strategy on my end.

When a child is 9 years old, they're on the verge of being articulate. The fact that they all have green belts would also suggest that they can comprehend commands and understand the concept of self-defense.

I would have my 9 year olds collect as many projectiles as possible from the Woodstock refuse before he broke the 100 ft mark and gather back with me.

As kysirsoze approached my lair, I would have the 9 year olds throw the projectiles at kysirsoze's nut sack. this would mean a series of bottles, lawn darts, etc.. thrown at kysirsoze's mid section.

From this point I could sick all 10 nine year olds on kysirsoze and win the match easily.

I get it though. You guys are homers who, therefore, would support the Chiefs fan's side of the situation, (because Chiefs fans are, generally, homosexual). I'm not that mad about it. Be loud and be proud to be Chiefs fans. Good for you fellas for breaking the barriers in the NFL.