***Official E-mail Fowards Thread***
 

Old or new, post any of those emails forwards that you found funny or touching here.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?


She says:



'You just happened to catch my eye.'

A 5 year old's first job...

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten
dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten
dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house n ext door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?' The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the ****in' sheet rock.'

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it.

Making Fish Sticks

One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing. The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. So the little boy left it at that.
A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this time he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?"

The parents both reply yes.

The boy remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth."

I just got this from someone who accidently typed my email address instead of her friend of the same name.

Hi, my name is Amy Bruce.

I am 7 years old, and I have severe lung cancer . I also have a large
tumor in my brain, from repeated beatings. Doctors say I will
die soon if this isn't fixed, and my family can't pay the bills.

The Make A Wish Foundation has agreed to donate 7 cents for every time
this message is sent on.

For those of you who send this along, I thank you so much, but for
those who don't send it, what goes around comes around.

Have a Heart, please send this.

Please, if you are a kind person, send this on.

PLEASE HIT FORWARD BUTTON NOT REPLY BUTTON.

YOUR'S FAITHFULLY,
AMY BRUCE
amy.bruce@makeawish.com

And here's my reply.

Hi (sender and everyone on her email list),

First of all, this IS a chain letter.

Second, Make A Wish Foundation's official website is wish.org not makeawish.com (though they seem to have purchased this domain now as well).

Third, there is no technology in the world that will allow anyone to accurately track forwarded emails in order to make payments for each message forwarded. So ALL emails claiming this are lies.

Fourth, this sort of false reporting is such a problem that Make A Wish has a special place on their website to deal with it. http://www.wish.org/about/chain_letters They are surely flooded with phone calls and emails from people complaining about this practice and they end up wasting their valuable and limited resources on fielding complaints about something they have no control over. If you want to help them, don't send this email to anyone. And if you want to help the world, do the same for every such email.

Fifth, I'm sure Make A Wish Foundation would love to have members of your email list(s) make actual donations to them. While they don't send out money for emails like this, they do accept it. They also accept volunteer time and "building supplies, computer equipment, hot tubs and spas, frequent flier miles, loyalty points, shopping sprees and more". More information on how to help here: http://www.wish.org/help.

Sixth, 90+% of every email that is sent out en masse like this is false. There is a website called Snopes (www.snopes.com) that researches each of these and much more and posts that research for all of our benefit. I ask anyone who might consider forwarding a mass email to search Snopes for it.

Seventh, here is the link to the Snopes entry for Amy Bruce. http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/medical/amybruce.asp

Eigth, since Make A Wish doesn't "in any way assist with procuring medical treatment for sick kids", you might want to consider also making a donation to the American Cancer Society. You can do that here: http://www.cancer.org/docroot/DON/DON_0.asp.

Ninth, in case you hadn't yet noticed, I'm not the (Full Name) you thought you were trying to send this email to. :) However if his email address is (removed from this post), rest assured that (based on the list of email addresses you are sending out for all the world to see) he already received this email from the very same person who sent it to you.

Tenth, have a great day and remember. For the most part, people don't like getting this sort of forwarded email at all. They probably just care too much about your feelings to say anything to you about.

Wow...you have a lot more motivation than I do. I just :shake: and hit delete.

Hot news!

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Yours truly.
does it mantra, hot habit

Subject: A Child's Life on The Farm. A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Be a good American
 

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

Bewarned.
 

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONITORY CRIMES DIVISION
FBI HEADQUARTERS, WASHINGTON, D.C.
J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001
DATE:10/09/2008

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.

»www.fbi.gov

NOTE: We have received series of reports against you through the FBI monitoring agents in conjunction with the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC), Federal Republic of Nigeria as well as the Anti Fraud Unit of the Central Bank of Nigeria.

We have noted that you had been strictly guided by the above mentioned security agents on your dealings with some internet imposters/scammers but you failed to abide by the laid down instruction without thinking of the consequences. Note that you have been giving enough time to restrict your dealings with these imposters otherwise you shall be considered dubious and fraudulent and will be treated as such as the law demands.

Finally, our defense strategy has yielded a voluminous result with the assistance of the international police in every country, Economic and financial crimes commission (EFCC) in conjunction with the Anti Fraud Unit of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Be informed that the petition authoritatively writing against you will pave way for legal action against you if you continue with your dealings on the above subject matter. Remember, no one is above the law. This email should serve as a warning to you to comply with this directives with immediate effect otherwise, we shall apprehend you for questioning and subsequently prosecute you according to the criminal law of the International Court of Justice. Bewarned.

Note that you are being monitored in every of your correspondence. Make sure that you respond to this email so that we can advice you accordingly for your immediate payment.

Faithfully Your's,

ROBERT MUELLER
DIRECTOR, WASHINGTON DC FBI.

> A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
> hardly speak.
>
> After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
>
>
> The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting
> nervous On the
> pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If
> I start to get
> nervous, I take a sip.'
>
>
> So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
> At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
> drink.
>
> He proceeded to talk up a storm.
>
>
> Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the
> following note
> on the door:
>
> 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
>
> 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>
> 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>
> 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>
> 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>
> 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
>
> 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
> Daddy, Junior
> and the spooky.
>
> 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
>
>
> 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
> donkey, don't say
> he was stoned off his ass.
>
> 10)We do! not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
>
> 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,
> 'take this and
> eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat
> me'
>
> 12 The recommended grace before a meal is not:
> Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
> the grub, Yeah God.
>
> Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
> ST.Peter's not a
> peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

MOMMY & UNCLE FRANK

(((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 555-7039??"

If only one person posts a warning about standing next to a microwave with tattoos, it'll make my day.

I crack up every time I read this one.
 

>ABBOT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you?
>
>COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking
>about
>buying a computer
>
>ABBOT: Mac?
>
>COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
>
>ABBOT: Your computer?
>
>COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
>
>ABBOT: Mac?
>
>COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
>
>ABBOT: What about Windows?
>
>COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
>
>ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
>
>COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
>
>ABBOT: Wallpaper.
>
>COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
>
>ABBOT: Software for Windows?
>
>COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
>proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
>
>ABBOT: Office.
>
>COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
>
>ABBOT: I just did.
>
>COSTELLO: You just did what?
>
>ABBOT: Recommend something.
>
>COSTELLO: You recommended something?
>
>ABBOT: Yes.
>
>COSTELLO: For my office?
>
>ABBOT: Yes
>
>COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
>
>ABBOT: Office.
>
>COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
>
>ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.
>
>COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say,
>I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
>
>ABBOT: Word.
>
>COSTELLO: What word?
>
>ABBOT: Word in Office.
>
>COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
>
>ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
>
>COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
>
>ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W
>
>COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some
>straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
>
>ABBOT: Yes, you want RealOne.
>
>COSTELLO: Maybe a real one , maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
>business. Just tell me what I need!
>
>ABBOT: RealOne.
>
>COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch
>them?
>
>ABBOT: Of course.
>
>COSTELLO: Great, with what?
>
>ABBOT: RealOne.
>
>COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
>
>
>ABBOT: You click the blue 1
>
>COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
>
>ABBOT: The blue 1.
>
>COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
>
>ABBOT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue W is Word.
>
>COSTELLO: What word?
>
>ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
>
>COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!
>
>ABBOT: No, just one. but it's the most popular Word in the world
>
>COSTELLO: It is?
>
>ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty
>much wiped out all the other Words out there.
>
>COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
>
>ABBOT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of
>Office.
>
>COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping
>you
>have anything I can track my money with?
>
>ABBOT: Money.
>
>COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
>
>ABBOT: Money.
>
>COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
>
>ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.
>
>COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
>
>ABBOT: Money
>
>COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
>
>ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.
>
>COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
>
>ABBOT: One copy.
>
>COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
>
>ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
>
>COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
>
>ABBOT: Why not, they own it.
>

Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:



Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shiit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shiit-faced from all the beer.



Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. biatch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?



Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!



Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shiit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!



Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shiit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.



Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)