Clean jokes can be funny too!
 

Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

I'll start:

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Billy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Billy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?

Billy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Billy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Billy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

Ba-dump...ching!

An Irish guy was driving down the road when suddenly a cop pulls him over. The Irishman quickly composes himself while the cop walks up beside the car.

Cop: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?"
Irishman: "No sir."
Cop: "Your wife fell out of your car three blocks back."
Irishman: "Oh thank God. I thought I'd gone deaf."

Dork.

"..so I've got my finger up this chick's ass, and she says...."

:LOL:
I knew someone would do this sooner or later. But the joke was still funny.

So, what do you call the act?
"The Aristocrats."

This could be my ex-wife:


My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so that he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Huh? I didn't get it.
:shrug:

Bob Dole didn't see any point in postponing the inevitable.

if i could just remember even some of the jokes i've heard, i would definitely share them with you...

i can't even remember all the thousands of lawyer jokes i've heard from other lawyers over the years...

jokes and names, always had trouble with the... :shrug:

how 'bout jokes that are only a little dirty?

Policeman to the accident victim: Are you seriously hurt?
AV: How would I know? I'm not a lawyer!

i don't think i've ever heard that one before...

not bad...

Q: What's the difference between a bachelor and a husband?

A: A bachelor doesn't like what he sees in the kitchen and goes to bed. A husband doesn't like what he sees in bed and goes to the kitchen.

ROFL

Oh Frankie, people in Iowa lead such sheltered lives...
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436078/

Two molecules were walking down the street and accidentally bumped into each other. The first molecule says, "I'm sorry, are you all right?" and the second one says "No, I lost an electron!" The first one says "Well, are you sure?" so the second one replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Oh, I'm so low down.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Yeah!

I used to go skateboarding, now I get raped without no warning.

I got the, "I'm in prison cause I did graffiti blues!"

If I had a time machine, I'd set it to before I did graffiti and I'd go back!

(I don't think y'all heard me)

I said, if I-I-I-I-I-I had a time machine, I'd set it to before I did graffiti and I'd go back!

Yeah!

I've been stabbed by a broken broom,

and jacked off on in the weight room,

and I'm hiding all my valuables up my crack!

Whooah, yeah, yeaaaaahhhhhh!!!


- Jonesy

Thanks. Now I get it.

:LOL:
Very clever. See what I mean? I want some jokes out of this thread that I can get around mom and her friends. Thanks.

Wash your mouth (fingers?) and go to your room, Psicosis.

OK, so the teacher says to little Johnny.....................and he says rats, great big fucking rats with 12" dicks.

What's the proper time for a dentist's appointment?

2:30.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Why can't a bicycle stand up on it's own?


It's two tired.

What has four wheels and flies?







Garbage truck.

Why did Tigger have his head in the toilet?

He was looking for pooh.

(groan)

So the these two dudes are lost at sea on a life boat, their water and dried fish are running out...they're just sitting there thinking about their demise when all of a sudden a fish jumps out of the water and lands in their life boat.

The men get a little excited since they'd be able to eat the fish, but then the fish says, "Please throw me back in the water and in return I'll grant you one wish," and who's not going to believe a talking a fish? So the first dude, without even thinking, says "OK, turn all the water in the oceans into beer" and throws the fish back in... then *POOF* and they're swimming in bear. The other guy looks at the first dude and says, shaking his head, "You f***ing idiot, where are we gonna piss now?"

A metermaid is walking by a bank one day when she sees a businessman walking to his Jaguar. Suddenly out of nowhere ,a pickup truck sideswipes the the businessman as he is getting into his car.

Metermaid: "holybajeebus mister are you okay?"
Businessman:OMG! Look what that crudhead(censored for this thread) did to my car!"

The metermaid is taken aback by the man's materialism...

Metermaid :" But sir don't you realise that your left arm is missing?!"
Businessman : "Gosh Darn It!!"
Metermaid :!?
Buisnessman:"My Rolex!"

whats green and sings and elvis parcley

A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks at the rabbit and asked "do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says "no", so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.

I said clean jokes, not lame ones.
:p

:LOL:
This would be a dirty joke wouldn't it? I don't know. I'm sooo confused now.

Depends on if you take it from the bear or rabbit's perspective.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

Put in jail for stealing them from the zoo?

I give up, what?

...hell if I know.

Oh so really just wanted to find out.
:hmmm:

Say it aloud instead of reading it.

dirty joke : little boy fell in a mud puddle

clean joke : little boy took a bath

A school bus driver is picking up kids in the morning. His bus is painted on the outside with characters from Sesame Street.

He picks up a kid who is known to be mean-spirited named Leonard. Leonard gets on the bus and sits behind the driver.
They drive on, and on the next stop pick-up the Patty twins. Two overweight girls.
Leonard says "Hi Fat Patty's!".
The driver get's upset and says they are not fat, they are obesse.
The next stop they pick-up a "slow" kid named Ross.
Leonard chimes in again "It's reeruned Ross!"
The driver says, "he's not reeruned, he's special."
By this time the other children are quite upset with Leonard, and one of them shouts "Leonard cheats in class and picks his bunyons!"
The driver is furious at the children's behavior, and turns around and begins yelling and screaming at them all to be sit down and be quiet.
While he is turned around yelling, he sees a policeman behind the bus, with his lights on.
The driver pulls over, and the officer approaches.
"Sir, you just drove right through that stop sign with all of these kids on your bus. You could've gotten the all kids killed. You really need to concentrate on the road a bit more!"
The driver replies:
"Officer, you'd find it hard to concentrate too if you had (sing to old Big Mac jingle) two obesse Pattys, special sox, Lester picking bunyons on a Sesame Seed bus!"

You're not very good at this are you?

:)
Two birds were setting on a perch. One turned to the other and said.......do you smell fish?

A horse walks into a bar, and the bar tender says "So, why the long face?"

ROFL ROFL That's good stuff.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

ROFLROFLROFLROFL Best post yet!!ROFLROFLROFLROFL

A three-legged dog walks into the bar and says to the bartender, " I'm lookin' for the man that shot my pa....

Mine is the only funny one so far... :harumph:

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

A nun walks into a toy rocket factory...

I had better save this one for another thread.

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

First grader little Joey comes home from school and announces that he and his classmate Tammy have decided to get married. Amused at the cuteness of this, his parents ask:"What are you two going to live on?"

"Well," he says, "You are paying me $15 a week, Tammy gets $10 a week from her parents. We figure that should be enough for us."

"Where are you gonna live?" The parents ask.

"We've thought of that too." replies Joey, " One week here and the next at her parents' house."

Amused and impressed at how well the kids have thought this thing out the parents ask: "But, how about children?"

Joey pauses a second and replies: "Well, so far we've been pretty lucky!"

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

ROFLROFLROFLROFL

My sister used to do that to me all the time and the answer is giraffe.

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says: "Is it just me or is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin turns to him and says:"AHHHH a talking muffin!"



http://forums.breakthetrend.com/images/smilies/uhh.gif

While in prison, Hank and Jim, two convicts thought long and hard about their criminal life. As a result Hank started studying to become a lawyer. But Jim,.... he decided to go straight.

This one will get this thread kicked into the D.C. forum but here it goes:

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT in January 2008 Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long.......... The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." "Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that." The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that." On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater!"

Did you hear about the Indian who went to the tea party?


He went home afterwards and had a tea pee.

An traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, then he saw something, far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."
The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight.
Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table asked, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Hickory dickory dock
Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The other two escaped with minor injuries

Bill Clinton was coming back to the white house one day after vacationing in Arkansas with two baby pigs under each arm. He greeted the guard at the door and said proudly: "How do you like my pigs, I got this one for Hillary and this one I got for Chelsea". The guard replied: "Good trade sir."

go bo poured some sugar into his cup of tea and stirred it clockwise. He took a sip. It was too sweet. So he stirred it counterclockwise! :p



(Sorry go bo. I needed to assign a character to that joke. Yours came to mind first!)

Three hilbillies are walking the fence line on the farm and come across a sow that'd been caught in the barbed wire.
First hillbilly says: "You know, I wish that Pig was Cindy Crawford..."
Second hillbilly says: "You know, I wish that Pig was Brittany Spears..."
Third hillbilly says: "You know, I wish it were dark...."

This blonde calls the fire department, says here house is on fire, come quick. All excited, she hangs up the phone. A few minutes go by, no sirens, she calls back, quick come now, my house is on fire, hurry..... about to hang up again the fire dispatcher said , Lady, Lady, How do we get to your house ? The blonde replied, " Duh, the big red truck ".

This blonde was taken to the emergency room with severe burns on both sides of her face. When asked how this happened, she said:

"Well I was ironing. The phone rang and I got confused and picked up the iron instead of the receiver."

"Well," asks the doctor, "this explains one side of your face. How about the other side?"

"I had to call the hospital, didn't I?""

Little Johnny was in class one day and the teacher was having the kids write somrthing on the blackboard that scares them. She waited till Johnny was last because he always disrupted the class. Johnny takes his turn last, walks up and puts a period mark on the blackboard. The teacher asks him how that scares him. Johnny says it doesn't, but it scare the hell out of my sister.

Ah!! Period..... I get it,... I guess.:LOL:

Here is the second:

Reporter: President Bush, what do you think of Roe vs. Wade?

W: I don't care how people get out of New Orleans just as long as they get out.

Skip will like this one.


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting a lot and drank beer whenever he wanted.



THE END

ROFL

BTW, this reminds me. Can anyone post the link to the DC (political) jokes thread?

A blonde crossing the road gets hit by a truck. The truck driver jumps out to check on her.

“Are you all right?” he asks.

“Everything is just a blur,” says the blonde as she’s lying in the street.

The man holds his hand in front of her face and asks, “How many fingers have I got up?”

“Oh, no!” she yells. “Don’t tell me I’m paralyzed from the waist down too!”

A guy applies for a job at an investment firm and has to take a medical exam. The doctor sees the guy has no testicles and is hesitant to pass him. The guy pleads with the doctor and his potential boss, promising it won’t affect his job performance.

“OK,” says the boss, “but don’t come to work until 9:30 AM.”

“Why?” asks the guy. “Everyone else starts at 8:30.”

“Yeah, but in the morning they just stand around for an hour scratching their balls.”

To Diet For

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Ten pounds," he replies.

"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."

"We’ll send someone over."

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"

"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."

The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”