Who would win in a fight to the death between Simply Red and Zach?
 

The setting:

Small, enclosed arena with no exits. Enough room to maneuver, but not quite enough room for someone just to run away from their opponent.

The weapons:

Each contestant is armed with a heavy rubber mallet and a small flask of hydrochloric acid.

http://one04design.files.wordpress.c...02/mallet2.jpg

http://anthembranding.wpengine.netdn...r-Flask-02.png

The rules:

There are no rules.

A small crowd of CP spectators watches through mirrored windows.

Simply Red in a blowout.

What's the background between these two...?

Are they lovers?

ROFL

they likely end up sucking each others' dicks, though.

This is the kind of mallet I am talking about if you need more details.

http://one04design.files.wordpress.c...02/mallet2.jpg

Simply Red and he would then dress Zach's body up in stylish fashion.

A rubber flask ensures it will not be used as a weapon:

http://anthembranding.wpengine.netdn...r-Flask-02.png

Zach would just bore him to death.

How small is the arena?

Hydrochloric acid is pretty wimpy as a weapon.

I'd take nitric, sulfuric, fluoric or even glacial acetic acid over hydrochloric. Kinda ruins the whole thread.

The weapon is not intended to be lethal. Think of it as more of a distraction or hindrance.

A cunning warrior would employ it well.

ROFL

Hey, did you hear about soccer..................

rainman saw this thread and got all excited.

Let's say it's about 12x10.

Is there padding or no padding in this arena?

Exactly. Simply Red puts a gun to his head and pulls the trigger. Zach wins by default.

I don't care to know what this is about, but I went w/ SR.

The floors and walls are all constructed of wood. It's solid construction. We had Phobia do it all.

This is about bloodsport.

http://gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs1/1811962_o.gif

That's a really small arena. How big is a boxing ring? I'm not questioning you, though.

For some reason, I think Zach is bigger so he's got an advantage in a smaller ring. If it was bigger I'd go with Simply Red, but in a small ring I think Zach wins.

If Simply Red is bigger I'll change my vote.

How much did we pay Phobia to construct this wooden space?

Simply Red has Jovan Belcher's gun, but all nine rounds have been expended.

Tap out clothing.

Is a cup of hot coffee in a plastic cup present?

$500.

Is this treated wood or untreated wood?

Yes, but it's on a perch that's about 8.87642 feet above the floor.

The coffee is decaf, and it's very hot. 1 sugar, 1 non-dairy creamer.

It will be treated...with blood.

What about the roof? What is the shape of it? Is it supported well?

Just materials, or labor + materials?

What kind of nails used to construct this room? This is key.

Soccer in the face, Red.

In an arena that small, it becomes more about quickness and being able to quickly dodge frequent attacks from that mallet.

Simply Red has Zach beat on this. I think the hydrochloric acid is worthless, unless Zach were able to squash Simply Red on the floor and force him to drink it.

I will take Simply Red

Shit. Why didn't you just say so in the OP?

:popcorn:

People are forgetting that this is a heavy rubber mallet.

One decent blow to the head is all it takes to at least knock the other guy out.

Also, what is the weather like? Is it storming?

Yes. It's a dark and stormy night.

I'm gonna go with Zach. While I like SR most of the time, Zach could probably insult him in such a way that he'd run away and refuse to come back (then show back up a month or two later).

Is a bathroom break involved? If not, I could definitely see piss and feces becoming a large part in this fight.

Are there midgets?

(This is important)

The roof is a thin mesh so that birds don't crap on competitors and some degree of stench can still escape.


The labor was Phobia's gift to The Chiefsplanetiseum.


No nails. Phobia used industrial strength wood glue only.

Zoccer is jacking of to his own soccer talk while giving himself an acid enema. SR can't survive the close confines and kills himself with blunt force trauma. As he falls the the ground Zoccer blows snot on SR and yells G-G-G-G-O-A-L!!!!!!!!!

My god

http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/up...u-template.jpg

Zach reminds me of Peta from the Hunger games book.


Does he have a chic with him that can shoot a bow in the middle of a back flip and take a testicle off of a field mouse at 150 yardss?

It's 108 degrees. The spectators are air conditioned, however.

Every 20 minutes each contestant may relieve themselves through a small hole in the wall. However, each hole is a portal to the other hole. Kind of like this:

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:A...HqunJoGWJ30tM1

Be careful what you stick in the hole.

The Official Chiefsplanetiseum Rulebook CLEARLY states NO MIDGETS.

woah woah woah here. Spectators? So there will be windows?

You just pissed FrankoTank way the **** off.

As the OP states:

That's just bullshit. :harumph:

If SR could work up a kick to the head, he'd surely temporarily blind Zach with freshly polished loafers shined to perfection with a touch of lemon zest.

Out of these two, who balls the hardest?

SR, because I heard Zach has a vagina.

Reds the ****ing Baller Brah

shiiiiii.......... there gonna be BUCKETS of sweat from this scenario. not sure if it was stated, but are the men shirtless? if so. I think we should do this. Cover them in egg yolk and and whites. scatter a ton of flour all over the room. after they wrestle and one of them are dead. the winner must collect all of the dough that they made during wrestling to the death, they must bake some bread with the dough and feed it to scott pioli

I'll take Zach. He's a former offensive lineman. He'd pancake SR when SR told him he was wearing the wrong shoes for autumn.

Each gladiator is clad only in officially sanctioned tournament wear.

http://www.snuggieblanketfortwo.com/...he-snuggie.jpg

It may not be removed.

So Zach is wearing white cleats?

Competitors may only wear thin rubber sandals.

Are they ribbed? So they can get traction in the mudd?

Yes. They're also lubricated.

Since SR wouldn't be caught dead in that, it gives him the extra motivation to win.

He'd better not after labor day, sr would **** him up.

ROFL

Simply Red, then take plenty of high-res pics of Zach's naked, dead body and post them at Livestrong Park.

This woman is cheerleading the event.

http://i.imgur.com/qTL9H.gif

Will this fight take place before, or after, a bowel movement?

Both competitors receive a full, thorough colonic prior to the event.

okay, so this is tit fighting only. hmmmm

Will there be a buffet present?

and the winner gets one of these pillows personally autographed by richard simmons
http://www.amlinkmarble.com/stone_re...age/pillow.jpg

Just for the spectators in the AC.

In this proposed scenario we all win.

Zach and SR "stretching out" before the contest begins...

http://img818.imageshack.us/img818/9281/21631055.jpg

The "winning move" by SR:


http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/9476/gaysoccer.jpg

After the contest - no hard feelings...

http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/6389/gaykissing4.jpg

These kind of endings get me all choked up.

I'm glad the two kissed and made up.

Making up is the funnest part they say.