The Most Deranged Sorority Girl Email You Will Ever Read
 

As one of the commentors said: a sorority-girl Ari Gold.

NSFW words, language. Hidden for the your safety.

http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-d...will-ever-read

Here's the full email (with the author's name changed):

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough ****ing ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been ****ING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so ****ing AWKWARD and so ****ing BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to ****ing find you on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying ****, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying ****, about how much you ****ing love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the ****ing year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I ****ing repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that's not ****ing possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE ****ING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE ****ING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE ****ING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people ****ing reeruned? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE **** WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a **** if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do ****ing NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID ****ING ASS HATS, IT ****ING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW ****ING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN ****ING UP AT SOBER ****ING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being ****ing WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not ****ing funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. ****ing. Team. ARE YOU ****ING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU ****ING BLIND? Or are you just so ****ing dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE ****ING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR ****ING MATCHUP. I will ****ing **** punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a **** if you SOR me, I WILL ****ING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.

I'm not ****ing kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not ****ing awkward than 80 that are ****ing pillowbitergots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't ****ing show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to ****ing God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a ****. Go **** yourself.

Bold the important parts please

Done.

Saw this earlier. Truly epic

tl;dr

Did 'Hamas' write this letter?

Chicks are nuts.

Well, I expect to see a resignation soon.

Reminds me of the months leading up to the '09 draft.

She's got a point. Sigma Nu is pissed and rightfully so.

LMAO

I don't understand that culture, but it was funny.

This...

"I WILL ****ING ASSAULT YOU."

ROFL

Did you see this coming?

Is this Winstons sister? ROFL

stupid

This is waaAAAAAAAAaaaaay too long.

So what did she blow up or shoot?...

cliffs: our chapter is supposed to **** that chapter, so slut it up, hoes

For those of you who are wondering, I am an only child.

Furthermore, I hate sorostitutes.

you should this is what draft day posts are going to look like concerning the organization as a whole.

Thats gotta be Chrissy Teigen.

LMAO yup

No shit. Not once did she mention sucking any cock for entertaiment value

Sounds like Julia needs to masturbate.

it's obviously a loser sorority who cares

Expound.

I have the filter on; did she say " **** punt "?

Well yeah. I was playing ultimate frisbee on the quad with Brody Tyler and Tyler Brody the other day, and Brody was all, "dude", and Tyler was like, "bro". If you know Brody, you know how out of character that is for him. Ordinarily, he's so laid back. It was pretty obvious what was about to happen.

I believe so. LMAO

Julia would make a fine addition to CP.

I dare say an inevitable addition to CP...

I read it thinking of Jennifer Gray from Ferris Bueller. LMAO

I love a good **** punt.

http://images15.fotki.com/v2/photos/...lposter-vi.jpg

Bring her in for a look?

That girl sounds like a good lay.

I'd like her to pen me a sexually aggressive email.

woman in this country. spoiled

c*nt punt

Why can't she punt?

Feel bad for the poor sap that marries that rag.

How weird that some people put so much emotion into such insignificant petty shit...

I really, really want to see this woman haze the new recruits, because I think there must be some serious lesbian domination action going on in that starkly lit sorority house basement.

LMAO

Reported.

This and I was gonna say, I hope she is never a mother and if she is I hope her daughter finds this to hold it for blackmail someday. ROFL

Depending on her feelings about Geno Smith, she'd be a solid poster here. Bring her in for a look? :hmmm:

Not sure if the last five words of your post are a euphemism...

Apparently this is the quality of ass running around in Delta Gamma. I can see the need to pander to Sigma Nu boys...

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphot...42552296_n.jpg

I actually didn't think this was that bad.

Future coach for the Missouri State Lady Bears.

Crazy bitch is crazy.

I'm thinking its already on the Internet if you just know the right site to go to. :eek:

I want to hear De Niro or Pacino read this letter. God I want it so bad.

You just know some poor dude has or will approach that and say to himself "Nice ass. She can't be that crazy."

I'm guessing the reply was something along the lines of "tits or GTFO".

She needs to get laid. I think we should volunteer someone from the planet.

That's not very ladylike.

Same could be said about some of the rants here that go on for pages and pages over decisions we have no control over and things that haven't even happened yet, nor may never happen. :D

Really? For what?

Say hello to your future Democratic presidential campaign manager.

So you are saying she is NOT a candidate for the Missouri State Lady Bears Head coaching position?

I think this is her...

https://si0.twimg.com/profile_images..._7322787_n.jpg

Thanks Clay...'cause i had no idea what that was all about. Makes sense now though.

Yea, where she's at she should be getting all kinds. Must be something wrong with her. Oh, wait.....

This.

And we thought not getting Jimmy Clausen was a bad day. ROFL

When I was in college one of the sororities stole every copy of this student produced weekly campus magazine, because the previous issue had some joke about sorority girls in it. They took thousands of copies because they were mad.

And here be the sororstitutes homepage.

http://dgumd.moonfruit.com/

Really!? :hmmm:

One on right looks like she's only there because she has to be and can't wait to get back to Valtrex boyfriend...

I started to look around that site, but I'm just too damned old to pull it off without feeling like a ****ing creep. LMAO

This bitch gets shit done. POTUS in 30 years.

Why would she want it taken down? It made me like her.

I did the same thing.

ROFL

qqqqqqqq

Her grandmother is speaker of the house, so this would make sense.

You are kicking my ass today. I tried to delete it, but I can't even get that done before you show me up.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Olm0KUtsFE8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

There is really some quality ranting and cursing in there. It's like Quentin Tarantino wrote it, but without the N-bombs.