Gladiator 2018 - Round 1, Match 23 - Dartgod versus threebag02
 

Vote for the person that you think would win this match in a battle to death or submission. As background, assume that prior to the tournament you received 10 minutes of training on every weapon. The time listed is the amount of time before the match where you learn what the weaponry and venue is. All participants are handed their weapons at t=0 unless stated otherwise.

Venue - In free-fall at 20,000 feet, wearing parachutes, and with a snake and gator-filled swamp below you.
Starting Distance - 21 feet

Dartgod

Main Weapon - Indian razorwhip (Urumi)
Backup Weapon - None

Prep Time - 14 Minutes
Special Factors - Naked East Asian women are screaming and running around panicked (Organizer note: in this situation you may assume that they're also free falling and wearing parachutes.)

threebag02

Main Weapon - Baseball Bat with six nails studded into it
Backup Weapon - Bowie knife

Prep Time - 3 Minutes
Special Factors - You ate some really, really bad sushi the night before and are afflicted with a violent case of diarrhea

On a side note, I almost had a name spoonerism, and discovered that a great spoof account of Dartgod would be named Dartbag.

The razor whip sword is difficult to master but he has plenty of time to figure it out.

This is a very rare situation where diarrhea could actually be used as a weapon.

Dartgod uses Indian razorwhipon threebag02's parachute, game over.

That's a good point. Those razor whips have double or triple the reach of a bat as well.</br></br> Thinking...

I honestly have no idea.

gravity wins. everytime.......

Dartgod in a blowout

That razor whip will be of no use in freefall. All threebag has to do is deploy his chute immediately. Let Dong hit the swamp first and try and fight off the gators while 3bag floats down and clubs Dong like a baby seal.

Winner-threebag

Why couldn’t Dartgod do the same thing?

Reading comprehension


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They're both gonna get a good view of flapping Asian titties and whistling vaginas, before both contestants ultimately meet their death by swamp gators.

Dart's cords/chute are destroyed by the Urumi. He free falls to his death. I laugh and shit myself

The 3bag reaches the swamp first, uses his bat and Bowie knife to fend off the gators until Dart floats in only to get a bat upside his head or a Bowie knife to the gut.:D
No way a whip beats a bat w/ nails and a Bowie knife loses to a whip.

ROFL

Damnit, Dart Dart Dart

Orrrr, they both tell Rainman to get lost, save the naked women and reap the rewards.

He's not surviving this.

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Thats a little different kind of whip than what I was thinking of.

I can destroy his parachute before he even deploys it with that thing.

Looks like Dart teabags threebag.:D

The wind from your fall will have you slicing the shit out of yourself.

You'll end up looking like roast beef in an Angel Smalls video

Just not your day. :D

This is a very intriguing argument. Is the urumi heavy enough to be used in freefall? If not, threebag2 can race toward the ground and potentially have an advantage in the swamp.

This is the toughest one for me so far.

77.78% of the voting public believe that it is.

Naked East Asian women and diarrhea is a terrible combination.
Dartgod has the advantage, but I don't see either contestant surviving

Fake News

The whip is utterly useless in the free fall. The Bowie knife is the only weapon worth a damn falling. And you aren’t swinging that damn whip in the swamp either so the bat is the #1 in the swamp. Easy victory.

Holy ****. Seriously, do you guys even stop to think before you vote or do you just agree with whoever responds first..

I went ThreeBag.

The odds overwhelmingly favor Dartgod cutting himself free from his own parachute trying to use that thing. Look at those videos - that ain't exactly a precision weapon, especially for someone that's just learned how to use it.

In free fall with all that adrenaline and trying to get a giant whippy object on target....nah. Dartgod's gonna cut his own risers or his lines and he's gonna end up getting eaten by gators as he pretty much free falls into a swamp.

But you could just as easily blind yourself with it.

No one is doing anything while parachuting ROFL Ridiculous

It's a ground battle in a swamp of gators. They are both dead. No one is using that sword whip thing without months of practice.ROFL

While he is wrapped up in his flimsy sword/whip I skydive in and Bowie knife the **** out of him. then the Asian whores and I can have a shitfest, shower shits for all

It seems like whoever wins the match will immediately lose to the swamp full of gators...

That sword is worthless in in the air. Freefall more worthless. Could not control parachute with it. Would cut rope.

Both contestants die in the swamp though.

I'm the one in the blue suit. Threebag is the unfortunate sap that ends up with no parachute.

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Monkey Wrench for a back up weapon?

When the fanboats arrive at the landing spot out in the swamp, Dartgod is fighting off gators with the urumi and threebag02 is nowhere to be found. Rescuers did find the baseball bat, though, which will go up on Dartgod's wall as he moves to Round 2.

That's the shits

This has it all....Weaponized diarrhea....free fall skydive, whips, bats, crazy women screaming(just like real fights)

Once the chute opens, dartgod can swing the razor whip, cut some of the chords on 3bag's chute and he spirals to his pending dent in the ground.

Hey no lip from the dead guy! :D

A razorwhip against a parachute? Ez...


Edit... Assuming both have a difficult time landing blows during free fall where no weapon is all that great... threebag only really has an opportunity to whip the bowie knife and hope like hell for a hit. The razor whip has a much greater reach so the likelihood dart can land a blow is greater. that said, I'd think it'll come down to when they deploy chutes... threebag can only really try to hit the chute itself but dart can go for the cords from further away... I can't fathom how 3bag wins this.