A newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one as if it’s your own.”

LMAO

A man hurriedly walks into a bar, flops down on a stool and tells the bartender to give him six of his most expensive shots. No sooner than the barkeep's done pouring the man devoured the shots. The bartender says, "Wow. You drunk those pretty fast!" The man replied, "You would've done the same thing if you had what I had!" Bartender says, "What do you have?" The man answered, "A dollar."

I laughed for a full 60 seconds at this one.

:LOL:

Zoo Performer
 

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

I told that one to my wife. She was lost as to the humor value:)

THREAD.

DEAD.

Testicle Therapy:


Two women were playing golf.<O:p</O:p

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.


"Please allow me to help.I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"


"Feels great," he replied, but I still think my thumb's broken."

LOL

What do you call a pro bowl quarterback? Matt Cassel

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you know over the years some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from social events.

Well, I have done something about it:

A couple of nights ago, I was out for dinner and ended up having a few too many drinks with some friends.
<O:p
Knowing I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never even driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Please keep this in mind as you enjoy the holiday season.

LOL

The best stories are the true ones. If you've ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. And who provided this description?
A. It was the officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.