This thread just took a turn for the worse.........

Easy now, this isn't Jamie you're talkin' to...

Definitely.... :shake:

I've tried sarcasm and I've tried serious advice.

Now I will share with you the very basic tenets of gettinglaidism:
1. Brush your teeth. This goes for all our young male virgins.
2. Shave that nasty mug.
3. Wear something nice but don't borrow anything from your dad. Drop a hot iron on that shirt and run a brush over those nasty shoes.
4. Clip and clean your nails. Chicks actually care about that sort of thing. A little lotion on the hands won't hurt anything. Not that kind of lotion, though.
5. Talk about her more than you talk about yourself.
6. Don't reveal your faults voluntarily. If she sticks around long enough, she'll discover them herself in time. That's the way it should be.
7. Keep the conversation light and positive. Negative drags a person down. That includes discussion about your mother's condition. If she brings it up, be candid and quickly change to a more pleasant subject. A variety of topics is a good thing. No matter how much she likes football, she doesn't want to hear about the Chiefs all night.
8. Soft lips. No teeth clicking. Swallow that excessive saliva. Relax. Take your time. No face licking.
9. Try touching her face. That will make you appear to be sensitive and sincere whether you are or not.
10. Be confident, don't apologize for yourself. You're a great catch. She's lucky to have this opportunity to be with you.
11. Make sure all her needs are met. The more physically comfortable you make her, the more emotionally comfortable she will allow herself to be.
12. Do not talk about your ex-girlfriend.


These are just a few from the top of my head. This is not rocket science, but you now have a head start. Good luck.

Damn, leave it to me to ruin a perfect good thread.

Morphius
thread killing bastage...

13. steal her purse












I'm sorry that lacked any funny but I'm very tired :(

And when all else fails, whip it out, slap it on her knee, and murmur "Suck me, beautiful."

Or just tell her you have a nine inch tongue and can breathe out of your ears. Just be mindful that she will want proof...............

You are the man. You tell it straight like it is and i compliment you on it.

...(drum roll)...LAdies and gentelmen,,,Mr Ron Jeremy The 2nd :p

1st bit of advice: anyone with 10,000 posts on a football message board in the last 24 months? Throw all of that advice out.

2nd. Tell her you are a virgin.

That ought to do it.

Dude. Thanks. I hope it works for me.

Telling her you are a virgin makes her wonder whats wrong with you. Act like you've been there and done that.

oh man... this thread made me laugh soo many times. Fuggin Great.

Dude... RoyJr... You need to be as chill as possible... Have a good environment set up... a clean pad is a must... also light a couple candles or incense. When you first see her, tell her she looks / or smells great. Give her a nice kiss... hold it for a few seconds longer than a usual kiss greeting. Tell her that you have missed her company since you last saw her. [im assuming she is coming to visit from another town? that is what i gathered...anyway] Sit close to her, and playfully touch her, whenever appropriate... Laugh at her jokes, and be witty, but dont overly attempt at being hilarious like Phobia, Bob Dole, RainMan, and others are. Be yourself as much as possible... Halfway through the date, unzip your pants, whip it out, and yell GIT'R DONE!

Guarantee score.

Also, since she likes football, you could say... Priest Holmes got into the endzone 27 times last year... I have NEVER been in an endzone. Then try to stick it up her butt.

If that doesnt work. Ask her if she likes porno...you would be surprised at how many chicks love pr0n.

good luck at GITTIN R DONE! :thumb:

Great thread.

"Okay, let's go to Wendy's. They're open late."

Gucci sunglasses.

I see the hall of fame in this threads future.

Something to remember when dealing with women is that they use language differently than men. You may say a particular phrase, and they will hear it with a totally different meaning.

Here are a few examples:

GOOD: What is that fragrance? BAD: What is that odor?
GOOD: You look hot! BAD: You're sweaty!
GOOD: Have you eaten already? BAD: There is something in your teeth.

I need to switch my minor.

Minor?

Yes...Minor.

ROFL ROFL ROFL is this a classic yet?

Make sure the kid is at least 18 or its illegal. If in doubt check her drivers license real quick when she goes to powder her nose.
No drivers license at all? Get rid of her ASAP!!!

Nice Shoes, You wanna fuck?

That one always works.........just remember to compliment her shoes.

After a good nights rest I've decided that I need to give you some better advice. When the date starts to wind down I would:

1.) Smell of your armpit.
2.) Say in a really obnoxious voice "I'm ready for some puzzay!"

This will get you laid every time. Trust me. I learned this technique from KCMizzou.

Finally, there is only one person to blame for you being a virgin at 20 years of age............Dammit Carl! :cuss:

:cuss:

ROFL

It could be worse, the GIRL's Dad could be on here reading all the advice on how to tap his "little girl". Although, come to think of it, that should make him feel pretty secure! :hmmm:

ROFL

Bullshit.

This post may not get Roy laid on the first date, but he's definitely getting some eventually. Gochiefs could get laid following these directions.

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showp...&postcount=246

Sorry I missed this.

1. ask your dad.(serious)

2. If you are a raider fan.....the obvious answer is to drop 2 GHB pills in her soda and wait until she goes to sleep.

3. It may take some practice, but once you've figure it out.....calmly pour yourself a drink, turn on the "top gun" soundtrack, plop down on the sofa and say "hey bebeh, this dick isn't going to suck itself."

If you're successful, my best advice is to "find the soybean".....and "don't stab the soup, stir it slowly" until you learn the right way to cook....oh yeah...and you might want to rub one out a couple hours before....so you don't shoot yourself in the foot.

Go easy on the BRUTE by fabragee....and don't put any old spice on your tinkler.

And here we have perfect example of how Phil tends to embellish and exaggerate in his posts.

ROFL
That's how KCMizzou taught ME to get puzzay as well!
ROFL

A few of the basics have not been addressed in this so let me get you started before the big date.

First take a shower and use deodourant and a decent cologne. Don't put it on heavy. Brush your teeth and use a mouth wash. Always take a peppermint or spearmint gum or breath equivalent with you.
After you eat always take one and offer it to the girl. I prefer not gum products, as chewing all the time is doesn't do anything for you.
If she takes your breath product you offer thats always a good sign.

Nothing will turn a girl off faster then bad breath, always presume after you eat anything your breath will smell, thats why you should carry breath mints.

Hygiene lesson over.

alright! I'll give this a shot. I'm probably gonna get laughed at anyway and critized, not that I care. Are you ready shark lovers? Probably a few of you r anxious enough to hear what I'm gonna say. Ok, anyway I'll get to the point, you wanna have sex with this one? I would be damn right honest about tha whole fucking thing! No fuck'n head games, none of this flirting b*llsh*t, no fucking pick-up lines. Just be yourself, fuck! Get the right timing on this one. Try and find a good setting with her first. Once you get the setting down pack, your all settled in with her, prime her up like you want her to feel horny about you. Once you mastered that, then just be honest, something simple like "hey, I'm very attracted to you. I can't help myself right now, I'm feeling very horny, are you? If she says yes. Well then, do you happen to be in the mood for some sexual intercourse? Cause I am". Don't ask her to fuck right off the bat it's one of the biggest mistakes and it's stupid. Unless, of course, she says so.
if she says she not feeling horny, then you'll have to catch her another day.

*BTW, if it works, great! If not, then who gives a fuck! Move on, get the next one, or go home alone, and yes jerking off is always an option.

I should note at this point that I'm more of a visual learner.

Pick up a porno mag . It should be of some help.

That's a lot of BS, for "You Wanna fuck?" If not, jerk off. :shake:

I really am, but I'm not really feeling you, dude. Thanks for asking nicely and not pawing all over my body, though. Maybe next weekend.

Hugs

And just remember Roy, gobricks here is the one who paid a whore $500 to screw his friend.....


And then his friend never paid him back.

Yeah. More advice for Roy.

If bricks happens to post on this thread, you should do the opposite of whatever he says.

teh rep.

Do you know what team she roots for? I'm assuming the Chiefs, but I don't believe I saw you post it...

Didn't read the whole thread.

Did anyone mention the obvious?

Spit or swallow?

No she likes the Titans ...

ROFL

And if VaginaHader here is knocking a guys boot-knocking skills, he's got problems. Seriously.

If you want to make sex just try. If she truly cares about you the fact that you fumbe and bumble about with no clue will only endear her more to you. Just tackle the gal and let her know you're "going for the 2 pts bay-bah!"

ROFL Harsh.

Ok, seriously, if some guy asked me if I was "in the mood for some sexual intercourse", no way would I let him sink the cream machine.

Bad advice.

Man to bad I'm really late jumping into this one.

I don't know to many people who go "So, are you ready to have sex now?".... Other person - "Sure. Lets do this."

Just try to get to some heavy makin out slick and just let it happen.

You'll quickly find out how far it'll go.

You don't ask to make out do you?

OK, seriously, if some girl asked me if I wanted to "sink the cream machine", no way would I sink said "machine".

Bad mojo.

Yeah, I know, he had to get hitched first before the sex..... I can see it now

1st comes lust ( it's not love )
then comes marriage
then comes royr pushing the baby carriage.


Don't need nomore gkids at this time...... K !

Allright, allright!! Who am I kidding? I'd be all over that!!!

That's easy then.... take Nasium's advice, but add Steve McNair's lame TD celebration to it.....


http://content.clearchannel.com/Phot...mieSquire1.jpg
"I'm ready for some puzzay!"

That's what I thought. :shake:

Jenny, you know ANY man would be all over ya in a new york minute,,,but thats another story :thumb:

Did our poster boy for virginity get laid this weekend or what?

I haven't read all of this, and probably this has already been said, but....

Just ask her how much, then pay the fee and go for it. Wear protection....

If all else fails... become a judge!

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=96155

Forget ALL of the previous posts on this thread....except mine.


In truth...you're not going to say "how was the macaroni, are you ready to bust my cherr-ah now?"

NO...........

You're going to having a nice time doing something else(watching movie, on a walk...whatever).

You're going to feel the moment is right....your hands will get sweaty, your voice will crack, and you might have some twitching..............Take a deep breath stick your hands in your pockets(to dry them on the paper towels I'm now recommending you place there before hand, for this exact moment).....and another one with some luck.

You'll work your nerve....you'll kiss her...........if she kisses back....you work on that a while.......you'll move on(if you're skilled) to gently rub the inside of her elbow pits...........and you'll work your way around the bases..........while rounding 3rd, if you're a gentleman, you'll ask "are you sure"......if she nods...............Plow deep.

Dude, you don't ask a girl to have sex with you. It just happens. Asking someone to have sex with you is kinda weird and desperate. When a guy and a girl are in love, anything can happen when they're together. Just enjoy your time with her and stop thinking with your wang, it'll get you in trouble and make you sound and look like a fool. Just live in the moment with her and DON'T ask her if she wants to have sex. That's weird.

Cody just bribes them with Jalapeno cheese baows.


He is right though.....don't ask her, unless you're paying outright....Just keep stealing bases until she gives you the slide sign.

...oh yeah....if it fails......make sure to post the details on the storied "failed penthouse letters" thread.

Yeah, just wink at 'er and ask "Would you like some EXTRA pepperoni with that pie mah'm?"

:evil:

Pshaw...when that happens you just change the gal's name and feed your buddies as much bs as they're dumb (or drunk) enough to swallow... :)

Instruction by Pictures.
 

III.......You'll be looking for something resembling

ROFL

Good point, btw. If you're paying, you have the green light to ask for anything. It's your damn money. ROFL

You'll then, probably feel a little

Don't tell her its *pic 1* if its *pic 2*

If you play it right...she'll let you touch her

If that all works....You'll be able
 

To

Beware of

If it doesn't work out
 

You've always got options

If she's ugly
 

and tells and your friends ask you about it....

If you're too shy to ask directly, go to the girl's mom and ask her if she'd be interested in participating in a mother-daughter threesome. If she is, then she'll probably take care of the arrangements.

One more thing
 

Be careful her Daddy doesn't catch you or

Iowanian i don't want to see that, even if it is an X-ray.

ROFL Rausch!

Ok, guys im not gonna get to meet her this week cause her aunt passes away today and she wont be able to come see me until probably next week.

Thats ok, did you get some good pointers through this thread? I hope so, you have to hunt and peck for them but they are there. Phobia had some good advice i know.

Leave a 50.00 bill on the nightstand and all is solved.

This reminds me of Bwana's thread about the change jar. We have to wait a while to find out what happens.