Summoning patteeu

Well, I suppose that was inevitable. Bye Hootie. I'll admit that I was shocked to see him post that after what he wrote last night (kind of anyway).

You've gone all Simon on us today.

I have received a statement as he is not immediately available for comment. Here it is in it's entirety.

LMAO

Actually I lost my ability to get erections when I fought in World War I. So thanks for opening THAT wound.

Haha wow, I was just getting ready to post my 2nd attempt at roasting Hootie, where I predicted a ban as part of the "future outlook."

Btw, I seriously wanted to write the 2nd one in "non-tl;dr" form, but I finished it and while I didn't ramble about shit pertaining to myself...it's still long as freaking shit. I (and you assholes for that matter) just have to come to terms with the fact that I am incapable of being not long-winded.

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/161...ick-ball-o.gif

link to post that go him bant?

There isnt one. Phobia just felt like ****ing with him.

Hamma time

I'm guessing #78 in this thread. Hootie couldn't just leave it alone. But, we get to await the time of his return (again), when it all starts over (again).

This time was just because I don't like him. I was tired of him lying about that. Now he's being truthful and he's gone. Win, win, win.

It was probably his lackluster attempt at roasting me.

yeah probably

Get ready. Patteeu's vagina is about to explode like Mt. St. Helens

More like #70. After I spent all that time this morning disproving him with direct quotes both from him and DaFace, he was putting blame in the middle now instead of accepting it. I'm done. He has a serious learning disability.

I thought you were Simply Red

That was a strong factor as well.

Sorry, yes, #70.

Patteeuclastic flow?

Haha, well FWIW (eat shit tl;dr police):

Hootie (2nd Attempt)

You moody, dramatic, prima-donna, whiney, little he-bitch.

* You are so gay (NTTAWWT). You have the CP username of an owl. You have the physique of an emu. You have a man-crush on a Seahawk (Russel Wilson). You are fruitier than the toucan on the Fruit Loops box. You have a tendency to grab cocks and brag about it on CP. To top things off, you are so light in the loafers that you are basically flying. I think the evidence is staggering. Hootie, you clearly are a man for the birds.

* Hootie is known to have a lot of "haters" on CP. He is also known to have had his share of homosexual encounters. Haters...homos....Hootie. H.H.H. TRIPLE H! Any connection to the WWE wrassler? If there is a connection, please do us ALL a favor and grab his penis and try to make out with him the next time you see him. In other words, do many of us a favor and kill yourself, Hootie. For the love of God, Hootie, if you love the members of CP as much as you claimed in your infamous womanifesto, then please off yourself so we don't have to read anymore roarin' from ROR about how you are on the path to doing so anyways...with your excessive drinking and all. And if you don't do it for us, do it for ROR, man. Stop being a selfish little prick and make ROR's wildest wishes and wet dreams come true. Will you go to hell? Yeah... probably. As I stated in my first "roast," it seems as if one of your biggest haters on this board is a user named, "luv" and considering that the name, "luv," implies "love," and Jesus is the poster boy for love, then Jesus hates you, which makes your chances of entry to heaven very, very slim, for I doubt Jesus wants to be around someone who he hates for eternity (especially if he's constantly having to swat your adulterous hands off his junk). Don't let that bother you though, Hootie. Hell won't be so bad. Darth Carl Satan will make sure your time spent in hell is enjoyable. He will take nice, nice care of you. He will be your sweet daddy...of hate.

* Hootie is notorious for his back and forth battles with a moderator named Phobia aka Phil. I remember first noticing these exchanges and thinking, "holy shit, along with sticking things up his ass, Hootie likes to stick it to the man!!!" However, recent statements made by Hootie to Phobia, such as, "you leave me alone, I'll pretend you no longer exist" and "let's truce it, you don't mention me or post about me, I don't mention you or post about you" made me realize that my initial thoughts of Hootie "sticking it to the man" were far from correct. In fact, he seems desperate to avoid Phobia at this point. Hootie has developed a phobia of Phobia. He is Phobiaphobic...and Dr. Phil refuses to help his sorry ass. What kind of weak, timid person develops an irrational fear of irrational fears? Seriously?

http://cdn.hark.com/images/000/739/4...link_large.jpg

A little bitch, that's who.

* Hootie recently mentioned moving from Dallas to Champaign. Which is ironic, for I can just imagine Clay and Hootie, drinking champagne and watching reruns of Dallas and having a gay old time together. Hootie of course, resting his champagne glass on this new “gym rat” version of Clay’s buns, while Clay simultaneously does push-ups, dreams of the day he receives his first vote on exploremodeling.com and works on his new Matt Cassel manifesto during commercial breaks. Some Hootie haters have claimes that Hootie is infatuated with Clay. Honestly, I can see it. In fact, I think it's gotten to the point where it has become borderline ridiculous. This claim is supported by Hootie's obsession with calling out Frazod for being fat. It has become clear to every member of CP that the formerly obese Clay has become a gym rat and now seems to possess a genuine hatred towards obese/fat people. No one can convince me that Hootie's obsessive rants of disgust in Frazod's weight aren't a direct result of him wanting to be like Clay, by hating on fat people. They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. And 8 years ago, who the **** would have guessed that Hootie would become more fattery than Clay. With a beer-gut, just itching to catch up with him at age 28, it makes me wonder who else Hootie will "out-fat" 8 years from now? My guess is that Frazod is a possibility.

* Speaking of the show, "Dallas," and Hootie's time he spent living in the city, I bet when Hootie left Dallas, people weren't scratching their heads asking each other, "who shot Hootie?" If someone shot Hootie, no one from Dallas would give a shit. In fact, I assume they'd expect it. They'd be thinking, "well, it was bound to happen by some teenage girl's pissed off father anyways." If Hootie's friends from Dallas were under the impression that Hootie vanished because he died, I bet the real question on their minds is, "who ****ed him up the ass to give him the AIDS that probably killed him?" And they wouldn't be wondering because they were concerned with Hootie's well-being, but for their own safety because they want to make sure they don’t take it up the ass from that dude themselves...remember, these are in fact, Hootie's friends I am referring to. They all take it in the ass. He said it himself that his high school graduating class was “the gay class.” NTTAWWT.

* Hootie is developmentally disabled. The last I knew, “developmentally disabled” was considered the preferred nomenclature for “reeruned.” (I genuinely do prefer using the preferred nomenclature). Over the years, Hootie has said some extremely offensive shit which has, on many occasions, been very hurtful to other CP members. However, any time someone confronts him of his past or present offensive statements, he immediately resorts to redirecting the blame to Dane in an attempt to justify his own actions. He references one statement made by Dane in particular. Dane apparently referred to someone who is a father of a child with special needs as a “reerun breeder.” Therefore, whenever Hootie is threatened with another ban due to something he said, he immediately resorts to saying, “Dane called someone a reerun-breeder!” And he doesn’t get off of it. He obsesses with that statement to justify his own actions. He is ****ing fixated with it. After a while, I began wondering why the hell he was so fixated on this one statement (in a forum that is literally an cesspool of ongoing offensive statements) and it became clear to me. Hootie is so offended and fixated with Dane’s “reerun-breeder” statement because his own parents are “reerun-breeders.” I understand, I would personally be little upset if someone referred to my mother as “fat.” So I can understand Hootie being distraught over his parents indirectly being referred to as “reerun breeders” because of his own conception and birth. My thoughts on this were confirmed a couple days ago when Hootie posted a video of himself falling on a table and breaking it, followed by him beating the shit out of the table with one of the legs. His form, while beating the table with the leg, brought me right back to an evening where I chaperoned a Special Olympics softball practice 2 summers ago. A guy struck out due to not swinging at a pitch that hit home plate. He proceeded to throw a fit by attacking home plate with his baseball bat because he said “the plate moved” while the ball was pitched to him. While beating the shit out of home plate with his bat, his form looked exactly like Hootie beating the shit out of that table with the leg. Mirror freaking images of each other. This dude was the captain of the blue team. Due to disciplinary reasons, we had to find a new captain. This was a difficult task, for no one else on the team wanted to take his place. Damn it, if only Hootie would have been there, I’m sure he would have jumped at the opportunity to be captain. Captain Tasty Cheeks leading the blue team to victory!

* Pros: Texansplanet. I fully expect Hootie to eventually banter his way to "bant" status. And when that happens, Texansplanet may finally take off. Why is this a good thing? Well, when the Chiefs begin pursuing Matt Schaub as their QBOTF in a couple years, it will be convenient to check in to that site to see what the Texan fans have to say about the guy. (Hootie is not really developmentally disabled. Hootie is also funny sometimes, brings a lot to the board and has a unique mindset regarding football. Not to mention, he likes the movie “Baseketball,” which is a criminally underrated movie).

* Cons: Texansplanet. The loss of Hootie could potentially be a catastrophic loss for our beloved Chiefsplanet in terms of traffic and quality of posters. We all know that love him or hate him, Hootie is good for website traffic flow. Hootie has an abundance of both fanboys and haters. The majority of his fanboys MIGHT follow him to Texansplanet and his loyal haters, such as; J Diddy, Frazod, Donger, etc will SURELY follow him there and make that site their new home. That is an awful thought. I mean, honestly…how the **** will CP manage to survive a catastrophe as serious as losing Donger to Texansplanet? Donger is the driving force behind Chiefsplanet with his infinite wisdom, friendly demeanor, elaborate posts, anti-trolling stance and amazing football knowledge. I shudder at that thought.

* Outlook for the future: A permaban that lasts 6 months. A new womanifesto where we have to sift through the redundant “Dane” finger-pointing to justify his own actions which resulted in his banning. Also, a bunch of H's, for Hootie, that are likely to be prevalent in his future. In the future, Hootie will be: Hootie-style man-whoring; harassing Hugh Hefner; Herbie hand-cockin’ his hot dog to Hamas’s posts; hand-hockeying to Hustler; handling his ham; wipin’ hash-marks off his panty-hose; humpty dancin’ with heavy hippo-lookin’ chicks; happy-dancin’ with horse-cocks; hershey-squirtin’ on the chests of hefty heffers; hog-squirtin’ with Hog Farmer; hacking hairballs from huffing the hairy, hog-warty hoo-has of homeless hoes; humpin’ hoochie-mamas; hustlin’ hobos for their Hamm’s beer; heiling Hitler to heebs during Hanukkah; gettin’ hammered and hungover off Hennessey; a habitual offender doin' hard time; hunted by haters; hip-hurting the hipsters (way to go, Hootie); honking on hag-nipply hooters; receiving hummers from homos (NTTAWWT); receiving hand-jobs from hoodrats; receiving head from horny whores; engaging in hiney-sex with hemorrhoid-infested he-bitches; hooking up with hookers; hoarding STD’s such as HPV, herpes and HIV; having heart complications; denied from heaven and hell-bound to hang with Hate (Sweet Daddy style).

I wish. I think he's mad at me. :(

GOOD LORD THAT WAS LONG
thats what she said

but no, even though it was all hootie focused, it was too long

tl;dr

could I get you to spoiler tag that so I don't have to scroll 3 pages please.

This.

Donger's as well, but out of joy. I've never seen someone so turned on by ambiguous rule enforcement.

Why did you bold the semicolons?

Nah. That dude is your #1 fan. Come back Ryan.

Probably because you been jacking his fonts.

Tough, but fair.

Incorrect. I was actually hoping that Hootie was starting to understand the situation last night. Seems I was incorrect.

OMG

I'm going to have to schedule a time on my Outlook calendar to get through this. Cancel my meetings today--Rico posted something!

Oh the Hoomanity of it all

I bumped an old thread of his so we could hang out there, and he thought I was mocking him. :(

That pathetic attempt was ban worthy, IMO.

I like that dude but he's a big fat girl. Sorry Ryan. Girl you know it's true. Ooooh. Ooooh Oooooooooooh...

Fair enough.

Ahh, nothing like losing the moral high ground to Hootie. It takes skill.

Not really. Now I really am being a big meanie.

71. Bob Dole

To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure that Bob actually exists. Sure, I've seen pictures of him, and I've heard people tell stories about seeing him in person...but I've seen pictures and heard stories about The Loch Ness Monster and Chupacabra as well. Frankly, the pictures and stories of him aren't that dissimilar to those of Bigfoot, so I remain skeptical.

When Bob was still a young schoolboy...shortly after the Treaty of Versailles was signed to end the Great War...he set out to make some friends. The popular kids played football, but Bobby was far too frail for such hurly-burly. He blamed his feebleness on polio, but the truth is...he was just a little bitch. That option being off the table, he did the next closest thing. He became a male cheerleader. Even in the dust-bowl days, it was pretty pathetic. I mean, he wasn't even one of the strong male cheerleaders who got to touch the girls' asses. He was more the "Rah Rah Rah, Sis Boom Bah" type. Unfortunately for little Bobby D, his cracking voice sounded even worse through a megaphone. Disappointed, but not discouraged, he turned in his sweater and joined the band and found his true calling.

He still had no discernible talent, but the victrolas used in those days weren't exactly high fidelity, so his shortcomings were less noticeable. Eventually, he got a full-time gig in Show Biz...as a member of the Rock-afire Explosion. It wasn't exactly Fibber McGee and Molly, but it beat working in the mines for two bits an hour, so he stuck it out for decades before ultimately being replaced by an automatonic Bear named Billy Bob.

Older, but wiser, he decided to start his own band. He went to his old high school's Battle of the Bands competition where he recruited new members by playing up his ability to buy beer for the band (a huge selling point for young teens) and get senior discounts at the Black Eyed Pea (less of a factor in their decision). Bob Dole was back.

Unfortunately for Bob and the rest of the band, this was back when MTV still played videos, and this radio star was the first casualty. It wasn't all bad, though. He did have a slight brush with fame when his song "Get Out of My Yard, Get Off of My Lawn" was overheard by a young Billy Ocean who later popularized a slightly re-branded version. Bob still receives royalty checks...and Social Security checks.

Pros: Voted for FDR four times. Invented the Hot Toddy

Cons: Still uses an old Sears catalog as spank material because he swears he saw a nipple showing through one of the lacier bras. (Bob...I know what you think you saw, but trust me on this one. The "red spot" you saw is simply an imperfection in the paper...not a nipple. I know this to be true because it's a black and white catalog). Eats dinner at 2 PM before leaving dimes as a tip.

Outlook for 2014: Falls. Can't get up.

Horrible.

Bob Dole is a saint.

"Voted for FDR Four Times" LMAO

I'm sure he'll survive.

If not, then I suppose the world is saved from him procreating.

And you thought my patteeu roast was lame? :spock:

Bob Dole is entertaining. He'll get a kick out of him when somebody reads that to him.

Saul you have a talent for this that is unmatched on this board. Kudos, sir.

Assuming he hasn't already.

Can't help it loochay. I am the anti-Donger.


Yeah-yeah;yeah-yeah-yeah

I don't know how.

Haha, you caught that? That's funny that you noticed that. Great, now I'm beginning to like you. I didn't want the "H's" all running together.

Definitely...what I posted is VITAL information.

It's the only thing I noticed, to be honest.

Haha, oh. **** YOU, DONGER!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!

















jk.

It's getting pretty weak in here gentlemen... you know when Iowanian jumps in to try and help the ship from sinking things are getting tough.

Rico (who is this? the new "fax"?)
I read about 10% of each of your hootie roasts including the one that had like a 10 page buildup. You are absolutely terrible at these and should never do one again, your first slam was "hurr u gay sidecar-ed by a 20 year old Seinfeld joke". Just stop it please, your horde of fax-like ball lickers is warping your brain, much like Bieber fans have him believing he is a once in a generation musical talent, he's not (sorry) and neither are you when it comes to comedy.

Luv, Knowmo, and Bob Dole should have been easy homeruns for any long-time member, alas they did not meet expectations.

Is there an official list with the posters and numbers, or is everyone just picking at random? This is starting to piss me off, if I see a name I "like" I may have to jump in.

I liked the Bob Dole roast.

Did any other n00bs get the "pm Bob Dole, he'll be happy to answer your question" treatment whenever you asked a question? If so, how'd it go? I always wondered about the joke behind that.

I believe Saul initially tried to do it based on the rep list.

COchief:

Gay

Pros: Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Cons: Stares at your penis at the urinal.

Outlook: Penis and more penis.

Bob Dole stopped reading his private messages in like 2002.

That's a pretty good summation of the recent "roasts" at least.

You've been here for eleven years, and I have no idea who you are. Get in the ring or shut the **** up.

I don't have any ball-lickers, like Fax. In fact, I'm generally disliked, I think, so join the circle jerk with everyone else and have fun, prag.

I am not a Seinfeld fan and couldn't quote ANYTHING from that show...so I am unsure as to what your are referring to....if it were the first paragraph, then the "this man is for the birds" is the only quote I ripped in the entire post and it wasn't from Seinfeld, it was from Norm Macdonald. And I posted that paragraph, mostly because I knew, at least Baby Lee would get the reference.

I don't know you, but man do you seem like a douche.

My initial thought is that in 11 years, this page has more posts on it let alone the thread.

It's Phobia's fault for unjustly banning Hootie. Without Hootie, this thread has lost its burst.
:p

IN PROTEST OF HOOTIE'S BANNING, I AM GOING ON A POST STRIKE

I WILL NOT POST AGAIN UNTIL HOOTIE IS REINSTATED

OK I'M DONE STRIKING NOW.

That's enough of that.

So Hootie's ban is permanent, right mods?

Damnit!

dude i already discontinued my strike

i didnt think chiefsplanet could survive without my worthless 1 liners

That was a two liner (three if you count the white space).

Where do you think NTTAWWT comes from doctor?

You do have an army of ball-lickers, hence the "come on Rico roast Hootie" for a hundred posts only to post the let down of all let downs (until your latest effort).

that wasn't the type of worthless post i was referring to.

List son, where is it and I just might.

I did most of my noticeable posting pre 2005, I used to let loose on here from time to time. Now, I mostly stick to car threads and the occasional shit storm.

Meh, eat shit. Different strokes for different folks. 1st one was a let down, I admit. However, I don't care how much you, or anyone feels about the 2nd one though...I'm satisfied with it. It was long...I'm guessing that 99% of posters read less than you. But I am not ashamed of that one.

I didn't know NTTAWWT came from Seinfeld...I thought you were supposed to post that to avoid being banned from making discriminatory comments. Remember, I'm a n00b.

And those weren't ball-lickers...those were dudes eagerly wanting to laugh at my expense if (when) I tripped over my own dick...which I did.

Ya know what? You go to hell. You go to hell and you die, ****-ass.

It did indeed come from Seinfeld, but there's nothing wrong with that. If you are attempting to add to this thread (and site) then continue. We are just giving you a hard time about the TLDR (well kind of -your stuff IS long though that's what she said).

Not even trying to be hostile rico, just flat out telling you that you are absolutely terrible at this and please stop. Look at the other responses...the people have spoken! We have commanded you to stop. Also in this case, same strokes for all folks, everyone thought it sucked.

Yes, they were licking your balls, so much so, that I found myself greatly anticipating this hero to come forth for which the people were beckoning. And then...well you know.

You might be the coolest guy on the planet, but a roaster you are not.

The tl;dr stuff doesn't bother me. I deserve the razzing. I've been long-winded as shit on here.

Thanks for complimenting my size. Not only is it long, but it is also gerthy.

Jerry was being profiled by a newspaper and the reporter, observing his behavior with George (like an old bickering married couple) assumed they were gay. They didn't want that in the paper, so Jerry and George furiously protested, but then, not wanting to seem homophobic, concluded with, "Not That There's Anything Wrong With That!"

Now you know.

You really are Cosmo Kramer

You read 10% of it and thought I was copying Seinfeld...a show that I avoid watching. And you read 10% of the first one....yet you have the audacity to tell me what I am and what I'm not? Haha, good God some of the people you'll encounter on here.

And I still don't care if everyone thought it sucked...I'm still not ashamed of the second one. It was too lengthy, yeah. Other than that, I'm fine with what the 2nd one consisted of...

Not trying to be hostile? Go to hell.

Ahh, I see, I see. I did not know that.

I remember Roy from The Office saying it in one episode...can't remember which one though...I think he said he thought Jim was gay and followed by saying, "NTTAWWT." Must have been a Seinfeld reference.