REVIEW: Michael Bay's 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Movie Is More Like 'The Megan Fox Show'

By Melia Robinson

Megan Fox gets more screen time in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" than any turtle.

*Warning. Mild spoilers ahead*

Fans of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" will be pleased to hear that Michael Bay's latest movie doesn't butcher the origin story in the way they feared.

They may be disappointed to learn, however, that the movie isn't about the turtles.

Instead, it's all about Megan Fox.

See Fox fall. See Fox quiver. See Fox hide behind things.

"TMNT" marks the reunion between the 28-year-old bombshell actress and Bay, who had a falling out while working on the Transformers film franchise. Now, it appears Fox gets more screen time than Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, or Raphael in the Turtles' first motion-capture film.

After a stunning, comic-book-stylized opening sequence in which we learn how the turtles came to be, we only get glimpses of the creatures. Their crusty exteriors spiral through the night air as they take on the film's villains in an early fight sequence. The backs of their large, round heads peek above the sewer grate. Their can't-possibly-be-human shadows slither through the subway tunnels.

Seventeen minutes go by before audiences get a good look at their beloved, half-shelled heroes. Seventeen minutes!

In the meantime, we get to know Fox's character, April O'Neil, a gutsy reporter looking for a scoop. Tired of interviewing fitness gurus on camera, she's desperate to lose the fluff beat and be taken seriously as an investigative journalist.

And in the flick's major plot twist (made obvious pretty early, you're not missing much by reading on ...) it's revealed that Fox is the daughter of the scientific researcher who mutated the Turtles in his lab, many years ago. They were, in fact, her pets before she set them free.

Her big break arrives when O'Neil stumbles upon some illegal activity by the loading docks one night. An organized crime group called The Foot Clan has been terrorizing the residents of New York City in recent weeks, and O'Neil runs into them randomly as they seem to be transporting goods. Out of nowhere, the Turtles appear — or should I say, they arrive on the edge of the camera frame and stay out of the audience's sight — and engage in some serious whooping, from what I can gather.

Having been the sole witness to the vigilantes' successful thwarting of Foot Clan activity, O'Neil returns to the newsroom with the exclusive of a lifetime. Except that she has no photos, no positive identifications, and a description of the 6-foot-tall good guys that makes her sound like a lunatic.

Will Arnett plays O'Neil's lovestruck cameraman, who's "just kind of there."

With that, we launch into Bay's "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" origin story. Will O'Neil reunite with the Turtles and earn their trust? Will her colleagues — played by Whoopi Goldberg and Will Arnett in total lackluster performances — ever believe her ludicrous but very real journalistic hunch? And will she learn the whole truth behind her father's death, and how it all-too-coincidentally relates to the Turtles' existence?

What's most frustrating about Bay's franchise installment is not that it's Fox-heavy; it's that when the Turtles are on-screen, they're fantastic. And you wish you could see a whole movie about them. (Oh, wait.)

The throwbacks to the comic books and TV animated series are spot-on but not overdone, from the sparing use of the "Cowabunga" catchphrase to the product-placement pizza. Michelangelo is still a cool dude with his puka shells and pick-up lines; a taped-up-glasses-clad Donatello remains hesitant but brilliant; and Leonardo and Raphael are still butting heads, though they're intensely loyal to their brothers and sensei.

Will Arnett plays O'Neil's lovestruck cameraman, who's "just kind of there."

With that, we launch into Bay's "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" origin story. Will O'Neil reunite with the Turtles and earn their trust? Will her colleagues — played by Whoopi Goldberg and Will Arnett in total lackluster performances — ever believe her ludicrous but very real journalistic hunch? And will she learn the whole truth behind her father's death, and how it all-too-coincidentally relates to the Turtles' existence?

What's most frustrating about Bay's franchise installment is not that it's Fox-heavy; it's that when the Turtles are on-screen, they're fantastic. And you wish you could see a whole movie about them. (Oh, wait.)

The throwbacks to the comic books and TV animated series are spot-on but not overdone, from the sparing use of the "Cowabunga" catchphrase to the product-placement pizza. Michelangelo is still a cool dude with his puka shells and pick-up lines; a taped-up-glasses-clad Donatello remains hesitant but brilliant; and Leonardo and Raphael are still butting heads, though they're intensely loyal to their brothers and sensei.

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Again, I would pay more to see this:
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I agree...

they need to get Krang in there and Baxter was in this movie, just had to be looking very closely. I'm hopeful that means something more in the sequel

Spoiler Heavy review but from black nerd who is die hard tmnt lore. I share his sentiments pretty much
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I'm beginning to hate this trend of "let's tear this movie apart"

Yes, it's an incredibly dumb movie. Buts it's a lot of fun too.

As adults we waaaay overthink these things. It's aimed at the 8-13 year old crowd.

Not sure what everyone was expecting? The "Dark Knight" of TMNT's movies ? Never gonna happen.

It's not aimed at 8-13 year olds. For one thing, if it was, it would have been PG, not PG-13. Second, there is a LOT of adult humor in it. A LOT. The problem is that it doesn't know what it wants to be. It had a lot of stupid and silly parts that were intended for super young audiences, but then it had these adult moments, too. That's part of the problem with this movie.

You have to pick one or the other, and then succeed or fail that way. GotG did that. It picked the "adult" route. It's most definitely NOT for children, and that's why it works a lot better than TMNT did.

EDIT: Even still, if it WAS just for kids, that means it's forgivable to make a crap movie? Pixar disagrees. How to Train Your Dragon disagrees. There are plenty of "kids" movies that are great for people of all ages.

I was surprised that Bebop and Rocksteady weren't in any of the 90's orig motion picture films. It'd be awesome if they were in a sequel in this new installment.

They make a lot of movies like this now. It's mainly because they are trying for the broadest appeal possible.

Broad appeal = more potential money.

Sure, but lots of other films pull it off well. This movie didn't.

But that's why I don't give it a pass on sucking because it's a "kid's movie." It's not. It was never intended to be. You don't hire Michael Bay to direct your kid's movie.

This movie is just bad.

This movie has been ripped apart from the beginning with many changes made and there are def it's share of plotholes. They did a good job with this 'updated' version with the turtles imo, the actual turtles not the full move. Yeah their faces may look a little different, they're bigger, the origin is different and the first 30 min was pretty crappy. The 2nd half of the movie showed me that it had potential to be so much better, i just think it was doomed with all the fixes etc in middle of production.

I'm hopeful they will take more time in the 2nd one and focus on the turtles more. There wasn't enough time spent on this movie to just be with the turtles only quick flashes of them growing up and yes i disagree with the Splinter origin, esp since there isn't a hamato yoshi/shredder rival or connection at all.

I did enjoy the 2nd half much more, and i felt the action and fighting was pretty solid. I guess it's popular to trash it, and it may deserve it but it's not a complete abomination.

TMNT 2 is coming, i just hope they make it much better using the same turtle cast and make the plot a little bit better.

My rating at best is a 6, more like a 5 cause they ****ed up badly the first part of the movie and continued to make it all about megan fox

I'm pretty sure they would've looked awful honestly without the CGI. Tokka and Razor were pretty goofy looking as puppets.

They have no excuses now.

I liked it a lot. It had the goofiness of the turtles, the love they have for Splinter and one another, and Raphael was a great anti hero. Leo didn't come across as a leader like I would've wanted him to, Donatello was overly nerdy, and Shredder was underutilized and not explained as much as he should have been. Shredder was intimidating as all hell, just poorly executed. Megan Fox was fine as April, Will Arnett and William Fichner should've just been written out to focus on the Shredder and the turtles. Overall I got my money's worth and it did what it was supposed to do, remind me of why I've loved the turtles through all these years. I'll buy it on bluray.

yep, only movies i will break down are serious movies trying to win a ****ing award or something. WHen its just a teenage cartoon into a movie. If there is action to keep me interested im ok. I dont care about a serious plot or a story line. Its alot easier to watch movies/tv shows when you go into it think, hey this shit isnt going to be super serious business.